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During the last holiday season, many individuals
expressed concern over the seating arrangements
in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a
seat which will best suit you, we ask you to
complete the following questionnaire and return it
to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's voice
___ The cantor's significant other
___ The rabbi
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ Presidential Election (uh oh)
___ Sex (Preference:______________________
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with with

3. Which of the following would you like to be near
for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:______________________ )
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to
find a Jewish One]
___ Other:____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me
talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon
[additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's
spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the
following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may

7. Wish to consider joining another congregation.)

Your name:_________________________________

Building fund pledge: $________________________

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Why are four questions asked on Passover and no questions on Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah?

Because to see a Jew upset and moan is not unusual and raises no questions, but to see a Jew happy - that demands an explanation!

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Teshuvah = Repentance

The Interactive Teshuvah Hotline

Thank you for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline here in Heaven. Due to the approaching High Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our telephone lines are temporarily busy. Please wait patiently as your call will be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue. You will no doubt enjoy our musical selection of Yeshiva Rock and the Best of Shlomo Carlebach, while you wait. Please note that these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh Hashanah, and on Yom Kippur. For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1, for Sephardic, press 2, for New York, press 3. If you are uncertain, press 4. This line is also available in other languages. For Hebrew, press 5, for Yiddish, press 6, for Russian, press 7, for others, press 8. Please note that our service is not available in Arabic or French.

If you have never used the Interactive Teshuva Hotline before, you will need to listen carefully to our simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch-tone telephone users as a supplement to your davening (praying) at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute. Let us now begin.

To access your personalized account of all your known aveiros (transgressions), including dates and affected parties, please press 1 now. If you have not already apologized to the affected parties, please hang up now and call back when this has been done. For a personalized list of aveiros towards HaKadosh Baruch Hu, (Him) please press 2. Please note that in order to provide timely service to all callers, there is now a limit of 20 aveiros per person at one time. Politicians and Reform Party supporters will require several visits to complete their inventory. Humour columnists who frequently exceed their word counts or use big words should hang up now and try calling later, say, after the Millennium.

Please select the aveiros you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we offer a list of the most popular aveirot. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key. Once you have chosen the proper aveirah, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it. As you enter your aveirah, our service will prompt you for your Explanation. If you committed the aveirah because he/she did it, press 1.

If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2. If you have a good reason, but won't tell anyone what it is, press 3. If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't think you would get caught, press 3. If you blame your legal counsel for the aveirah, press 4. If you blame the influence of Freud or television, press 5. If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or drugs, press 6. If you want to blame someone else for the aveirah but can't think of anyone in particular, press 7.

At the conclusion of your aveiros, enter the star (*) key. For those of you with 7 aveiros or less, we offer a Tzadik Express Line. Please press 1 to access this Express line now. This is only for real tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket, you are probably not. Remember, no sneaking in with 8 or more aveirot. Please note that the same aveirah committed against two individuals counts as two items.

Now that you have entered your personal aveirot, you may access the Selichot component of our service. As our computer reads out each aveirah you have indicated, please enter the contrition code.

For example, a "1" means you are only mildly sorry for your action, "2" means you are somewhat sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good lawyer, "3" means you are very sorry but will likely repeat it and have a great lawyer, "4" means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it unless there are mitigating circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer, and "5" means you are extremely sorry and will not repeat the aveirah under any circumstances, since you have only your second cousin's son-in law who failed the bar twice. Please proceed with your Selichos sequence now....

Our computer has now processed your request for Kaparah (atonement). Before we reveal the decision results, you may increase your score by pledging additional tzedakah to your favourite charity.

All major credit cards are accepted. Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars), followed by your credit card number and expiry date. Thank you. Based on your Aveirah Score, Selichos Score and Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement. This offer expires within one calendar year.

Thank you for visiting the Teshuva Hotline today, and remember, we know everything.

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Did you hear about the bread truck the drove off the bridge into the river. The driver was rescued and turned out to be a mild mannered Orthodox Jew... kipah, tefillin, all wet but in place. The man seemed sober, and in control, so the rescuers asked him what had happened.

He explained that Rosh Hashanah was approaching, and he explained about the custom of Tashlich. (Purifying by symbolically throwing out the bread crumbs into a river).

The rescuers still didn't understand.

So he went on to explain, "I voted for Bill Clinton TWICE and then I voted for Bush. I figured I need to put at LEAST a truckload of bread in the river."

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You're in the Army Now

A friend was in front of me coming out of the Synagogue one day, and as always the rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of G-d!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi."

Rabbi questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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Murray, Caught in the Act

Murray, a deeply religious man, went to temple one Sabbath and forgot his Tallit, so he borrowed one from "the rack" at the temple. At the end of the service, he realized that he really liked this Tallit (so much that he actually decided to stuff it down the front of his trousers and take it home).

After the service when he was walking thru the reception line, the Rabbi stopped him and whispered, "Murray, I am sorry, but I saw you stuff a Tallit down your pants. Why would you do this?"

Murray, totally embarrassed and ashamed, explained the situation, whereupon the Rabbi suggested he remove it from his trousers and give it back.

By now, the Tallit had managed to slide half-way down his leg. While Murray was bent over pulling the it out of his pant leg, he accidentally let out a loud fart.

The Rabbi, exasperated, said, "Murray!... You took the Shofar, too?!?"

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The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

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The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

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Gimme a Break

Q. What food can be eaten on the Yom Kippur fast?

A. McDonalds, 'cause its fast food.

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What about the rest of us?

Lexus announced coincidentally on the eve of Yom Kippur, that it was recalling 72,000 of its luxury cars, causing many to comment that "I have never seen so many Jews walking to synagogue in my life."

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