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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Bitter Advice

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison.

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Morris the Handyman

Morris was working as a handyman for a synagogue and asked for a raise. He was turned down, so resigned and went over to the Catholic church to seek gainful employment.

There, the priest asked him, "Where was Jesus born?" Morris answered, "Pittsburgh" and was told that he could not have the job.

He went over to the Baptist church, and the minister said Morris could have the job if he could answer one question, "Where was Jesus born?"

"Philadelphia," Morris answered and was tossed out.

Walking away, he ran into the Rabbi, who told him, "The board voted unanimously to approve your raise. Please come back."

Morris said, "I will come back only if you answer a question for me. Where was Jesus born?"

"Bethlehem," said the Rabbi.

Cried Morris, "I KNEW it was in Pennsylvania!!!"

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex!"

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I'll Join in too!

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Mel Gibson. They're asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon!"

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Living Free

While I was watching the playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

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Learning from Babes

didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of this yourself!"

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Love and Marriage

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

There are only two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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The Golf Gun

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Telling One's Age

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

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The Golf Crises

O'Brien loved to play golf and would go out alone to a course and get paired up with any group that needed a fourth. One day he went to his favorite course and the pro said, "I'm sorry O'Brien, but the only group I can put you with is one with three Hasidic rabbis."

O'Brian says, "That's fine with me."

He joins the group and tees off. His shot is about 200 yards out and off to the right rough. Reb Moshe tees off 300 yards straight out into the middle of the fairway. Reb Yitzchak's shot is about 290 and Reb Yaacov's is 300, but slightly off center. O'Brien has trouble getting out of the rough and four-putts, while the rabbis' approach shots are right on the pin, and each two-putts for par.

The rest of the round is the same, with the rabbi's scores either par or under par, while O'Brien has a 95. He says to them, "You guys must play and practice all the time."

Reb Yitzchak says, "No, we study all the time and only play once a week. But, on our Sabbath, while we are in shul, we say a prayer asking G~d to give us one good round of golf each week."

O'Brien is so impressed that he goes home and tells his wife that they are converting. They study, convert, join a shul, and go to services every Shabbat. About a year later, O'Brien runs into the threesome of rabbis at the same course and they invite him to play with them. The game is exactly like last year's. O'Brien is doing nothing right, and the three are perfect.

At the end, O'Brien says to the rabbis, "I don't understand it. I converted, I joined a shul, pray every week."

Rabbi Moshe says, "You joined a shul? Which one?"

O'Brien says, "Beth Shalom."

Rabbi Moshe says, "No, no, no! Beth Shalom is for TENNIS!"

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