Humor in a Jewish Vein


   
    June 1998         
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Jewish jokes and humour

With Special Thanks to Eliezer Shernofski...

Humor Page Contents:

  1. For Father's Day
  2. you are Really Getting Old When..
  3. Quickies
  4. The Essential Jewish Holiday Primer
  5. Peace on Board


The Ultimate Father

An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The Jewish man quickly answered, "I am the Father of many, too. I have four sons, four daughters and more grandchildren than I can count. Still, I wear my collar just like everybody else. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father to hundreds of people."

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."


YOU ARE REALLY GETTING OLD WHEN YOU ARE:

One who can remember when folks sat down at the table and counted their blessings instead of their calories.

A person who remembers when people wearing blue jeans worked.

One who can remember back to when a telephone was a convenience.

A geezer who can remember when "setting the world on fire" was only a figure of speech.

A guy who distinctly remembers the 5-cent cigar but forgets the 10-hour, 6-day workweek.

One who still remembers when the red menace was made of flannel, had a flap in the back and was donned in the winter.

A guy who realizes his kids' history lessons are what he read in the newspapers.

The person who can remember that, when you bought $5 worth of groceries, the clerk reminded you to hold the bag by the bottom.

A father who remembers when a juvenile delinquent was a youngster returning from the woodshed.

A man who is old enough not to care what anyone says about him -- and no one does.

Is a senior citizen who can remember when you could get the landlord to fix anything by threatening to move.

A duffer who recalls that the only improper things you learned in school were fractions.

A man who can remember the time when it was easy to distinguish between a bathing beach and a nudist camp.

A man who can remember when you could light a cigarette at either end.

One who can remember when there was hot criticism of the extravangance of a government when it gave away free seeds.

A person who can remember when charity was a virtue and not an industry.

A person who can recollect when a new baby was considered an addition instead of a deduction.

A man who can remember when his only parking problem was getting the girl to say ok.

A man who can remember when a lady looked the same after washing her face.

A guy who can remember when the sky was the limit. A person who remembers when buttons were sewn, not pushed.


Quickies

Before a recent championship boxing match, the outclassed challenger was being interviewed. "Just think," boasted the boxer, "millions of people will see me fight tonight." "That's right," said the sportscaster, "and they'll know the result about ten seconds before you do!"

The judge fined a motorist $25 for speeding, and gave him a receipt. "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver sarcastically. "No, save it," replied the judge. "When you get three you get a bicycle."

Old folks are worth a fortune.....
With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomaches. I have become a lot more social with the passing of the years; some might even call me a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint) After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed -- with Ben Gay.
What a life.......

P.S. the preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do, all of the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself "Now what am I here after?"

This is a corny Israeli joke
Their once was two thieves who entered a store from two different directions
Echad Me-SHAM
V'Echad Me-PO
What did they Steal?
(Shampoo)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Get it SHAM + PO = Shampoo


The Essential Jewish Holiday Primer

A NINE WORD SUMMARY OF ALL JEWISH HOLIDAYS

They tried to kill us.

We won.

Let's eat!

----Karen Wolfe


Peace On Board!!

An Israeli was flying on a short flight from Washington D.C. to New York. He boarded the airplane and found a cozy seat in a row that had three seats. One seat was near the window, one seat was adjacent to the aisle, and the third seat, which was the one he chose was in the middle. He sat down, slipped off his shoes and relaxed. Shortly an Arab came down the aisle and asked the Israeli if he would mind if he sat next to the window.

"Please, no problem, help yourself!" the Israeli said in a warm and friendly tone.

The Israeli excused himself and walked off in his stocking feet and soon reappeared with a cola.

Where did you get that?" the Arab inquired. "I thought that there is no service on these short flights."

"Got it just down the aisle. Would you like me to get you one, too?"

"Yes, thank you," was the Arab's reply.

When the Israeli returned with the second cola, another Arab approached them, "Pardon me, do you mind if I sit in this aisle seat?"

"Not at all, please feel comfortable." Was the cheery warm and friendly Israeli reply.

The Arab on the aisle saw them both drinking colas and asked, "Where did you get the colas, I thought that on these short flights, there are no refreshments."

The Israeli replied, "Would you like me to get you one?"

"Sure!" the delighted Arab answered.

So the Israeli got up and scampered down the aisle in his stocking feet to get a cola for the second Arab. The two Arabs looked at each other. They looked at the Israeli's shoes left lying on the floor. They each took one shoe, brought a enormous glob of spit into their mouths and spit into the Israeli's shoes. Then they put the shoes back down where they found them and waited for the Israeli to return.

Soon the Israeli returned with the cola for the second Arab. As he sat down in his seat, he heard the Captain request that all passengers sit down and fasten their seat belts and prepare to land. The Israeli complied, strapping himself in, he put his feet inside of his shoes and !!!! He realized what had been done to him!!! He cried out in agony:

"Gentlemen! How long do we have to do things to annoy one another! When can we begin to act like civilized people and treat each other with respect!! Can't we stop antagonizing each other. When will we stop spitting in shoes and urinating in colas!!!!

~~~~~~~

from theJune 1998Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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