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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Luck

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, Molly, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know, Molly, you're bad luck!

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the tooth ache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

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Arrangements

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters :
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters :
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When youre arrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
!When you rearrange the letters :
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters :
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters :
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters :
CASH LOST IN ME

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters :
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters :
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters :
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVENPLUSTWO:
When you rearrange the letters :
TWELVEPLUSONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters :
WOMAN HITLER

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Quiz

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?

A: A widow.

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POINTS TO PONDER:

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

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Advice

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the psychiatrist. Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor saw Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

He told me to cut off the legs of the bed. Aint nobody there anymore!

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but it is funny

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, You know, I just cant seem to get a tender missionary, Ive baked them, I have boiled them, I have roasted them, I have poached them, Ive stewed them, Ive barbecued them, Ive tried every sort of marinade. I just cant seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks, What kind of missionary do you use?

The other replies, You know, the ones that hang out at the place at the bend of the lake.

They have those brown cloaks with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

Aha! the second cannibal replies. No wonder those are friars!

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Cows

MARXISM-COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows.
The Government takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows
None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows.
You claim government subsidies for eight cows

A JEWISH FARMER
You have two cows.
and you use them as a down payment to buy 100 more.

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One Wish

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said:

"Build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would have to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "'bout that bridge, you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Men's Lib in the Arab World

Three Arab men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their wives duties.

The second man had married a woman from Syria. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Gaza. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said that the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

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