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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Taking It Easy on the Job...

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat And Overcoat." Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food.

His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Moshe said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats. You are spending so much time watching that you are not enjoying the food."

"I'm only doing half as much as you think. I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

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The Jewish Affair

Two Jewish ladies who were neighbors in New York met unexpectedly in Miami one winter. "Why Shirley" one of them said, "I had no idea you were here, what's new?"

"So listen Ruthie" said Shirley "now that we met I just must tell you, I am having an affair!"

"How wonderful" said Ruthie, "who is doing the catering?"

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The Great Grandmother

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "When I was young we used to skate outside on a pond by our house. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little grand-daughter was wide-eyed while taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you a lot sooner!"

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Grandmother, Part II

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "Nu, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he said.

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Grandmother, Part III

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised."Mine shows that I'm four"

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This is a Parents Joke

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom, guess what? Today in school we learned how to make babies."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es".

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One for the Tot's

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the arguments to a close.... "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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While in Israel

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.

He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Irving Mann, a writer from Philadelphia."

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

. . . "A check".

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Proper Partnerships Promote Profits

It Helps to have a Great Partner

There was a tailor named Mendel in the old country and he was worried about his business. Mendel was down to his last money and was torn between buying a sign and getting food for his family. Mendel decided to pray.

"Dear God," he said, "I don't know what to do. If I buy a sign it may bring in business, but I need to buy groceries for my family...and if the sign doesn't bring in sales, we will starve."

God replied, "I'm your partner, Mendel, buy the sign. Don't worry, your family won't starve."

So, Mendel bought the sign and business took off. The tailor fed his family and all was well. However, as time passed it became evident that Mendel couldn't keep up with orders all by himself. He contemplated hiring on a helper, but wondered if he could afford it. So, he asked God if getting help would be a prudent move.

"Go ahead," God tells Mendel, "I'm your partner, Mendel, hire some help, you'll do okay."

And so Mendel did. And business took off beyond his wildest dreams. After a time, the tailor decided to move his business to America, where the sky was the limit. But he needed a larger site that would accommodate the growing demands of his business. As he surveyed certain locations, he found a perfect storefront, but the rental price was really steep.

"God," Mendel again prayed, "I found the perfect place to relocate my business. But the cost of the lease worries me. I don't want to get in over my head."

"Go ahead and a get a lease on the store, Mendel," said God. " I'm your partner, Mendel. Trust me, you'll be okay--I haven't steered you wrong yet, have I?"

So Mendel signed a lease on the 5th Avenue store and profits from his business went through the roof. Out of heartfelt gratitude, Mendel proposed to the Almighty that he dedicate the store to Him.

. . . And the next thing you know, "Lord and Taylor" had dozens of stores throughout the country.

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Give Me Heaven or Give Me Hell

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them...

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side! . When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course sir, Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up" The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there.." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

”Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

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Skip this Joke if You are Religious, Prudish or Aimish

A young American computer expert read some books on the early Zionists who came to Israel and worked hard just to develop a bit of farm land. They gave of their sweat and toil so that there should be a fertile country for us. He was impressed with their unselfish toil and decided to immigrate to Israel and be a pioneer.

He went to the Jewish Agency and applied to come on Aliyah. They asked him what he did and when they found out that he was a computer genius, they promptly assured him that he would be taken care of in Israel. They set him up in a nice apartment in North Tel Aviv in a modern building with a job in a equally modern building a short ride away.

After a few months in Israel his pioneering spirit began to plague him. He wanted to feel like a pioneer and he felt that there was no difference between his life in Tel Aviv to that of his native New York. So he went out and bought a camel.

Every day he would ride his camel to his office and in the evening he would ride it back. Now at least he felt that he was in the Middle-East. But after several weeks of riding the camel he came out and it was gone.

He called the missing camel department of the Israeli police who promptly sent out an senior investigator to help find his camel.

"Tell me sir, I need some information so that we can look for it. Was it a dark brown camel or a light brown one?"

"I don't exactly remmember the color" he said.

"Okay, tell me did it have one hump or two?"

"Hmmm, I really did not pay attention, I sat on a saddle"

"Well then, did it have a long tail or a short tail?"

"Gee, I really did not notice"

"Do you remember the color of the eyes."

"No, I haven't any idea."

"Well you probably don't know if it was a male camel or a female."

"Ah, that I do know! It was a male!"

"Now look here sir, if you did not know if it was a one humper or two humper, if it had a long tail or short tail, if was dark brown or light brown, or the color of the eyes, how on earth are you so certain that it was a male?"

(Notice: Please do not write to us complaining about our jokes if you are religious, prudish or squemish, or Aimish, please do not continue.)

Continue at your own risk, you have been warned....

The young man answered "Well, you know that every morning when I would ride it to work, people would come running to the sidewalk to watch me as I rode by. I could hear them call to their friends yelling, 'Hey, come here and see this big schmuck on a camel!'"

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from the November 2007 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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