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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Met Him Once, Too

“Our Rabbi is an extraordinary man. He is so pious that the Almighty himself comes to see him. The other day the Rabbi told me that when he was having his coffee, the door opened and the Almighty enters! He sat down at the table, drank a cup coffee, smoked a cigar, told the rabbi about this and that, and then stood up and left.”

“Tell me, does your Rabbi lie?”

“Of course not, would the Almighty come to see a liar!”

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Been In This Court?

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just tell them to the judge."

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Know This Repair Man?

A man was cleaning out old clothes from his closet, planning to give them to charity. In the pocket of a suit coat he found a shoe-repair ticket, about ten years old. "I believe that place is still in business," he thought, so he went down to the shop. Without saying anything, he presented the ticket.

The man behind the counter looked at the number and said, "I'll have them ready for you tomorrow."

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Notes on Some Professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Quick Quiz

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

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Kiss Good Bye

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.

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Psyched Out Again

The patient told his therapist “I dreamed last night that you were my mother.”

As is typical, the therapist asked, “And how do you feel about that?”

“I’m not sure he answered.” This morning, I overslept. Since I was late for my appointment with you, I quickly downed a cookie, washed it down with soda, and rushed right over.”

The therapist looked up and said, “A cookie and a soda, you call that a breakfast?”

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What do You think?

Morris was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker." "A what?" Morris asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," Morris answered, "you're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."

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Psyched Out

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes..

He said, "No hablo ingles".

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The Wise Rabbi

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being poor, they bought the cow from Minsk .

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk ?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk ?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk ."

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from the January 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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