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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Yiddish Proverbs

A half truth is a whole lie. [A halbe Remez is a gantze Shecker.]

If a fool knew he's a fool, he wouldn't be a fool.

If a swindler looked like a swindler, he couldn't be a swindler.

O, Lord, protect me from my friends. I know who my enemies are.

From a pig's tail, you can't make a shtreimel. [Fon a chazirschwantz kanst du nisht machen a Shtreimel.]

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. -One old friend is better than two new ones.

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The Yeshiva Boy's Shidduch

A Yeshiva boy is about to go on his first shidduch (date), and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his teacher for advice. The teacher replies: ``My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.''

The Yeshiva boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his teacher's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: ``Do you like potato pancakes?''

She says ``No,'' and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his teacher's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, ``Do you have a brother?''

Again, the girl says, ``No'' and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his teacher's advice and asks the girl the following question: ``If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?'

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THINGS I NEVER LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL (Part I)

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

What business is a yenta in? Yours!

Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.

A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.

After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's

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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

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Whaa??

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put on eight pounds!

NOTICE: The Clairvoyant Society has cancelled today's meeting due to unforeseen circumstances.

A new study says spanking is bad for kids. Experts are a bit suspicious of the findings - the study was written in crayon.

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.

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Latest Visit to the 'hic' Doctor

As a doctor completed his examination of the patient he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

The patient replied, "In that case, I'll come back when you're sober."

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Computer puns

Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.

Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!

My rechargeable batteries are revolting.

Some computer equipment got shot. It was a graphic display.

It's tough to be in the computer business when the chips are down.

When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family was there to console me.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

An online poker tournament ended suddenly when the computer cached in its chips

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With the Candidates

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth," the boy replies.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

"Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

"Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

"First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

"Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

"Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

"Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

"Fifth - Where's Kenneth?"

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HOW TO STAY SAFE IN THE WORLD TODAY

Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20 percent of all fatal accidents.

Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home. (that's 37 % already)

Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians. (now that's 51%)

Avoid traveling by air, accidents involve these forms of transportation. (that's 67%)

Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else avoid hospitals.

You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 percent of all deaths occur in a synagogue, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders.

Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is in Synagogue services.

Torah Study is even safer. The number of deaths during Torah Study is too small to register.

For safety's sake, go to the synagogue as often as possible, and attend Torah Study. It could save your life!

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10 Attributes of Really Lazy People

1. Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.

2.

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From my uncle Max

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend."

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For more Humor, see our Joke Archives

~~~~~~~

from the February 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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