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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!


The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,

"My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

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From the Mouth of Babes

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to services, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in synagogue?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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Synagogue Bulletins...

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Temple basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Temple Sinai on Tuesday. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


The Building committee unveiled the Temples new fundraising campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

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Three Reform Rabbis

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!"

Goldblum sighed with relief.

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"

Bauman hung his head in shame.

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions."

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! A day off now and then, OK everyone needs some time. But it's going too far when, on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, you putt out a sign that says....

"Closed for the Holidays!!!"

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In a Small Synagogue

In a very Conservative shul there once was a Congregation President who was a nice businessman but Jewishly, well, he was “ritually-challenged.” On Rosh Hashanah the Rabbi offered him an aliyah. The President said, “As you know, I’m not very religious and I wouldn’t want to take the honor from someone else.”

The Rabbi responded, “You’re the President, everyone wants to see you honored.

Panic-stricken, the President said "No no, no, I can't read the Hebrew blessings, I'll embarrass myself."

The Rabbi said: "You HAVE to take at least this honor, you're the president!"

The President thought and then he said, "Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"

The Rabbi thought for a minute and suggested "how about Gelilah?"

"What's Gelilah?" said the President?

"Simple," replied the Rabbi, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted, and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down. You can’t go wrong."

Relieved, the President accepted the honor.

And so, right after hagbah, the President came up, put on the breastplate and the crown, and went back to his seat.

The Rabbi came running over and said "NOT ON YOU, on the TORAH, on the TORAH!!"

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The Real Mother-in-Law

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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The Eye of the Beholder

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

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Sr. Citizens

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

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Will You Believe This?

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "

To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

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from the Aug - Sept 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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