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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Doctors' Opinions of Financial Bail Out Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

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Looking for Job?

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

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Letter from Bank

Dear Sirs,
In view of current developments in the banking market, one of my checks was returned marked 'insufficient funds',
does that refer to me or to you?

Sincerely Yours,

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Keeping a Cool Head under Questioning

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, Whats the big idea coming home half drunk?

The man replies, Im sorry, honey. I ran out of money.

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Two examples of ancient humor:

Greek Humor

Comicus: The Jews are so poor...

Swiftus: How poor are they?

Comicus: Thank you. They are so poor... That they only have one God!

[drumbeat, everyone laughs]

Prehistoric Humor

So, one day in the Lower Paleolithic era, this stone-age type fellow is just minding his own business standing in a clearing in the forest. Suddenly a second stone-ager appears, running at full speed. He dashes through the clearing, knocking over the first guy.

"Hey dude, where's the fire?" asks the first guy.

"The what?" replies the second.

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You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean and Twitches ?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile .

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Old Age Dream Come True

Now the elderly person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone - that wish has come true, - since I no longer know how to use my new cell-phone.

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How to Keep the Relatives from Visiting...

Borrow money from the rich ones and loan it to the poor ones. Now none of them will ever come back to visit me.

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Signs of the time:

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Menu...

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!!

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~~~~~~~

from the December 2008 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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