Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    May 2009            
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Telling Off...

Sadie tells Maurice, "You're a shlamazel! You always were a shlamazel and you always will be a shlamazel! You look, act and dress like a shlamazel! You'll be a shlamazel until the day you die! And if they ran a world- wide competition for shlamazels, you would be the world's second biggest shlamazel!"

"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.

"Because you're a shlamazel!" Sadie screams.

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Naming the Baby

Moishe goes to see his Rabbi. "I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl."


"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"

"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"

"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that," said the Rabbi.

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There are like these...

A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.

"Father Goldberg," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. Just one little thing. Next time, please don't start your sermon with, 'Fellow goyim...' ".

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I might have met him...

Joe escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man, "Are you Jewish?"

The man says, "No."

Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later, he asks, "You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?"

The man replies, "No!"

Joe immediately apologizes. Five minutes later he says, "Can I ask you a personal question....are you Jewish?"

He shots, "NO!"

Joe continues like this for the next four hours. When the train stops, the man runs away. When he gets to the hotel, he realizes there is someone next to him. It is Joe. Joe asks, "Say, are you Jewish?"

The man is so fed up that he says, "Yes."

Joe says, "That's don't look Jewish!"

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You're Going to have to think about this one before you can laugh...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his assignment in Israel.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israeli's?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch in rural areas. But, I had a problem - I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters... First poster - A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster - Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place.”

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied "I didn’t realize that the Jews read from right to left."

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Noah’s Ark

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything"

Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
They kept saying neigh

What animal could Noah not trust?
The cheetah

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
No, he came fourth out of the ark

What creatures were not on the ark?

Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the ark hives.

Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

Where was Noah when the lights went out?
In d'ark.

Why couldn't Noah catch many fish?
He only had two worms.

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Treatment Successful

After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought he was a dog was declared cured. On what was to be the final day of therapy, the psychiatrist said, “Once and for all, you do you feel now?”

The departing patient replied, "Fine! Just feel my nose."

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Possitive Thinking

My brother said that he had dug a hole in my back yard and filled it with water. I think that he means well.

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Trial and Error

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

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I don't know how this got into the Jewish Magazine...

98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."

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from the May 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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