With Special Thanks to Sid Kliener...
It's the yahtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make
a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a
small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there,
she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site.
Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel
on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Poring over large maps
and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of
a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie
"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name."
A rabbi was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property
with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Some Prayers that didn't Quite Make the Grade!
1.Lord help me to relax about insignificant details
beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 AM PST.
2.Lord help me to consider people's feelings,
even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
3.Lord help me to take responsibility for my own actions,
even though they're usually NOT my fault.
4.Lord, help me to not try to RUN everything.
But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!
5.Lord, help me to be more laid back,
and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
6.Lord help me to take things more seriously,
especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
7.Lord give me patience,
and I mean right NOW!
8.Lord help me not be a perfectionist.
(Did I spell that correctly?)
9.Lord, help me to finish everything I sta
10.Lord, help me to keep my mind on
one Th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
11.Lord help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest.
And would you mind putting that in writing?
12.Lord keep me open to others' ideas,
WRONG though they may be.
13.Lord help me be less independent,
but let me do it my way.
14.Lord help me follow established procedures today.
On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.
15.Lord, help me slow down
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never
get to prove it."
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've
found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do
you want from me, sympathy?"
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It
only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.The man answered:
"My wife found out about it."
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife: "Martha, pack
up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care, just as long as you're out of this
house by noon!"
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In
fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and
then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally
the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report
it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it - once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant Israelis. They come up to the bar,
order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over
and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are
filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more Israelis arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Israelis show up and soon
their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days,51 days!"
Finally, the tenth Israeli comes in with a picture under his arm. He
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table,
exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days,51
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to
the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of
the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the
bartender asks one of the Israelis "What's all the chanting and
The Israeli who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
Israelis are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it
together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in
Overheard in the Israeli Army
A new Israeli soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders
were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general
seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Schmendricks."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I
have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
"Israeli Military Etiquette"
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy. (starts looking for change...)
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late
One night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said,
"Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I
converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was
the leader of your religion born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin
named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel
wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
from the September 1998 Edition of the Jewish Magazine