Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    October 2010            
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"At The Western Wall"

A visitor came to Israel and saw the Western Wall.

Not being too versed in religious aspects, he inquired of another tourist about the significance of the wall.

The other tourist explained, "This is a sacred wall. If you pray to it, G~d will hear you."

The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray.

"Dear Lord," he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land."

A commanding voice answered, "I will, my son."

The visitor said, "Bring prosperity to this land."

"I will, my son."

"Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord."

The voice answered, "You're talking to a wall."

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"Attitudes and Attitude"

A bus with 30 Hadassah Ladies turned over and were dispatched to heaven. Unfortunately the computers were down, so G~d had to ask Satan to provide temporary housing.

Soon after, He received an urgent telephone call from Satan telling Him to take the women off his hands.

'What's the problem?' asked G~d.

Satan replied, 'Those Hadassah Ladies are ruining my whole set-up. Only two hours and already they raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system!'

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Perfect Marriage

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?

A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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An American tourist asks an Israeli fisherman why scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"

To which the Israeli replies, "Don't you think if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat...?"

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Oldie, but Goldie...

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany so I knows what they say. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."

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Long Life

At his 100th birthday Moshe was asked to explain his longevity.



"Yes, onions. Every morning I eat a whole onion for breakfast. At noon I eat 2 onions. In the evening I have 3 onions, and before bed 4 more onions.

Then at night when the Angel of Death comes and calls out "Moshe, Moshe", I face him directly and answer "Whoooooo?"

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1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.



2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.



3. And discover #1 is a lie.



4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.



5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.



6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this, but I'm an idiot, and I needed company.

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the Boss

The boss was concerned that his employees weren't giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I'm the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

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Good News, Bad News

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

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Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

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from the October 2010 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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