If they had Jewish mothers (and maybe they did)!
By Don Entlich
Michaelangelo: Mikey..how many times do I have to tell you?..the money is in house painting..not church ceilings.
Christopher Columbus: why I let your father pick the name Christopher I’ll never know..and by the way, the least you could have done was to name one of your ships after your bubbie Esther.
Isaac Newton:..Izzy..I sent you to the orchard for apples so I can make apple sauce and what do I find you doing…daydreaming.
Thomas Edison: if I want light, I’ll light a candle besides how can I blow out the shabbes bulbs?
George Washington: Georgie…the next time I catch you throwing your allowance in the river you’ll never see another penny let alone a dollar.
Ben Franklin: Benny…when I said go fly a kite, I didn’t mean in a lightning storm.
Julius Caesar: Julie…do me a favor and promise me you’ll stop playing with your friend Brutus...I have a bad feeling about that boy.
Henry the 8th: Henny….please not another wedding…you have to settle down…besides, I’ve run out of things to wear…God forgive me if I have to wear the same dress twice.
Henry Ford: Henry, please! at least paint one of your cars blue...please! for your mother.
Leonardo DeVinci: Lenny...tell that model of yours to wipe that smirk off her face...and have her keep her clothes on...I know how you like to paint naked women...oy vey!
Richard Nixon: Dickie boy...i told you not to fib...now see the mess you created. It will take more than your plumbers to fix that leak.
John Smith: Johnny … I was hoping for a nice Jewish girl...Oh well, since she saved your life, I’ll try to accept her as my daughter. But if she comes to live with us, I have one rule she must follow…no smoking in the house!
Paul Revere: Paulie...i’m tired of your silver gifts...how about something made from the good stuff...you know…gold. And when the other night you rode off shouting “the British are coming”…what are you stupid…we’re all British!
Thomas Jefferson: Tommy...how many times have I told you...stop fooling around with your shiksa slave girl!
Abraham Lincoln: Abie...how come you never take me to the theater?
Ronald Reagan: Ronnie...politics! shmolotics!...I liked you better on Death Valley Days.
Bill Clinton: Billy…now look what you’ve done...I think you need to leave Hillary, who I never liked in the first place, and marry that nice Jewish girl...you know... what’s her name?...oh yeah...Monica.
Barack Obama: Barry...what’s with this Muslim fascination?...feh!
George W Bush: Georgie….the least you could have done was to get your nephew Sid a job before you left office.
George Herbert Walker Bush: Georgie…don’t tell me to read your lips….what do you think? I’m deaf?
William Shakespeare: Billie...what’s the matter with you? You can’t say anything nice about your fellow Jews...and when do I get a part in one of your plays? No, I don’t want to be in that play about the shrew.
Richard the Lionhearted: Richie...enough with this crusade crap …. Stay home with me for a while and keep me company...I get lonely when you’re not here.
Genghis Khan: You had to go and change your name..what!…Kohen wasn’t good enough for you?. By the way, the next time you go out to rape and pillage, bring me back some jewelry…a woman of my stature can never have enough jewelry.
Herbert Hoover: Herbie...now look what you’ve done...i can’t even show my face at the bank now and I’ve been kicked out of my Mah Jong club.
Charles Lindbergh: Chuckie...how come you never told me you were going to Paris...so when does the boat leave?...you’re going how?....if God wanted you to fly, he would have given you wings...so is it a window or aisle seat?
Donald Trump: Donnie...how many times have I told you the water in my apartment is not hot enough?...how much longer do I have to wait to see your plumber?...if it was Melania’s apartment, I’m sure she would have hot water...oh...and by the way...find a new hair stylist…you’re starting to look like a fagallah.
Napoleon: My little Nappy…you’re going where this winter?...Moscow?...You know, I was born in Russia...Moscow in the winter is not a fun town...better wear the fur coat I bought you and don’t forget your leggings...and bring me back some vodka..French vodka is feh.
Richard Wagner: My little Dickie…the next time you get me tickets to one of your operas, please put me all the way in the back...my ears can’t take all that bellowing.
Robert Ballard: Bobbie…you discovered what?...the Titanic?...what’s this?. ..You’re giving me a plate from the ship’s dining room?…what do you want I should do?...set a table with one Titanic plate and the rest Mikasa?...next time, bring me a full set of 12 so when company comes they all can eat off matching dinnerware.
Jonas Salk: I paid a lot of money for your education and yes, I am proud you discovered a cure for polio. So when are you going to find a cure for my arthritis?
Albert Einstein: Al...how come you only write about your theory of relativity...how come you never write about your favorite relative?…you know...your mother...and don’t forget...Hannukah’s coming up soon...a nice brooch would do... and oh...if I told you once I told you a thousand times… please get your hair cut.
Joseph Stalin: Joey…you left me this pamphlet the other day…what’s with” The Villages-Located in Sunny Gulag”?...Am I supposed to take that as a hint?
Jesus Christ: I heard you had Passover dinner and you didn’t invite me...what am I?...chopped liver?...oh...and your friend Judas...his mother tells me lately he is acting strange..if I were you, I’d keep an eye on him…also I see how you’ve been spending a lot of time with your little shiksa girlfriend Mary ...I hope she is willing to convert if you two decide to get married. And by the way…careful what you say around the Romans…I never could trust Pontius Pilate to make the right decisions.
from the January 2013 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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