Sound Advice for Beginning the Solution for Peace in Israel
By Ira Spector
For many years I have preached an obvious solution to the Israel desire for peace and end to 64 years of war. It's really quite simple.
A secret delegation of high level representatives from the Israeli government, some engineers, agronomists and a few of the best chef's travel to the Australian Outback in a timely manner just before Passover.
After a thorough survey, they establish headquarters in the Israel Embassy in Sydney which has a large well equipped kitchen with a walk-in refrigerator and freezer. The embassy staff coordinates the flight of an El Al cargo plane from Tel Aviv to Sydney. The entire contents of the airplane is off-loaded. It contains copious amounts of the finest delicatessen meats and cheeses in the Holy Land, blintz making ingredients, crates of Koogle, Kasha Varnishkes, and chopped liver, racks of brisket, barrels of dill and sour pickles, a bagel making machine to be used with water imported from Brooklyn New York, waterproof steel containers with untold amounts of the finest Nova Lox, and a separate foam encapsulated bakery rack with an endless assortment of fruit strudels, rugulach, hamentashen, and sugar free butter cookies with fruit centers. The Mogen David and Manischewitz Concord grape wine had to be kept in the cockpit with an armed guard so it wouldn't be sampled and drained by the crew on the flight.
Next, all the important politicians, Outback land owners, and the winner of the America's Cup 12 meter yacht race are invited to the embassy for a series of seders prepared by the award winning chefs. The gefilte fish is made from local catch in deference to the host country. The wine flows freely, and everyone knows that the Australians consider imbibing a national pastime and are having a wonderful time on this potent elixir. It's a far cry from the dreck that is their normal fare. The wily Israeli senior delegate sensing that this is an importune time gently asks the question, "Do you like our national food and drink?" Thus beginning a discussion about the possibility of Israel purchasing the whole middle of the continent with the exception of Alice Springs and Ayres Rock which is sacred to the Aboriginals - who haven't cooked kosher for centuries.
So there you have it, the Israeli agronomists talk of making the empty desert bloom-after all they did it already in the Negev. The engineers speak easily about moving the Wailing Wall to their new country - after all a private American land developer moved the London Bridge to the desert in Nevada. Best of all, the Aussies could travel freely in this borderless country and have great food and return with their car trunks full of goodies instead of the usual kangaroo pastrami. In return, the numerous Chinese restaurants in Australia would be packed on Sunday night when all good respectful Jews sup on Kung Po chicken and egg rolls.
The last Jew leaving Israel to make aliyah in the new land which has a temporary name of Ausreal will drop his pants, bend over, turn around, face Mecca, and enunciate the final prayer, "Kiss my tuchas," as he says goodbye to the holey land. This is not misspelled, the new occupants can now proceed with blowing each other up as is their religious custom, and leaving great chasms in the earth. Don't bother replacing the divots.
If only people would take my advice.
from the May 2013 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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