Jewish Humor and Jokes

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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!


A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancee.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancee insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So, nu? How did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.

Read your Bible

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbifor his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."


Al Gore, Rush Limbaugh and Bill Gates are on an airplane together and crash. They've just gone through the gates of Heaven, and God is sitting on a great white throne. God addresses Al Gore first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left "

God then addresses Rush Limbaugh. "Rush, what do you believe in?"

Rush Limbaugh replies, "Well, I believe in the free enterprise system, I believe that our leaders should be people of high moral character, and I believe that any philanderer who raises our taxes should rot and burn in hell."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, fine. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."


"Let's not talk so much about vice. I'm against vice in any form." -- John F. Kennedy, when told by a friend that he would have no trouble winning the vice-presidential nomination in 1960.


The old guy went to his doctor to find out the result of his lab tests. "I've got good news and bad news," the doctor said.

"Give me the good news first," the patient replied.

"The good news is that you have only 24 hours to live."

"What!" the patient blubbered. "If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"

"I forgot to call you yesterday."


Q: How do you scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.


Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? --


  Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

-- Yours,



Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger, Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?"

Cessna: "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Answering Machine Messages

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

The Rules

The FEMALE always makes THE RULES. THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

The FEMALE is never wrong.

If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong, the MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.

The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.

The MALE must be ready at all times.

Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp!

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said , "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

" And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

The Priest and the Rabbi

A priest and Rabbi are on the same flight. The entire time the plane is in the air the priest is trying to convert the Rabbi. The Rabbi politley listens and trys to go on about his business. All of a sudden the plane goes into a terrible nose dive.

A few minutes later, with the plane on the ground, in shambles around their feet and all the other people dead the priest looks up, and to his amasment he sees the Rabbi preform the sign of the cross.

The priest runs over to the Rabbi and in a very excited voice says "I knew it, I knew it, I have converted you!", the Rabbi looks at the priest and says "What converted, specticals, testicals, wallet and watch."

Real airline announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a hidden cameras video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Can You Guess the End?

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy evening, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on delivery of his toys, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

















  The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man...

(Women, stop here. Men, keep scrolling.)














  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
(By the way if you're a woman, and you're reading this...this brings up another point....women never listen either.......)


from theJanuary1999Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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