A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiancee to meet
her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her
father to find out about the young man. He invites
the fiancee to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God
will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement
ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time
the father questions, the fiancee insists that God
Later, the mother asks, "So, nu? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but
the good news is he thinks I'm God.
Read your Bible
A man has been in business for many, many years and
the business is going down the drain. He is seriously
contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.
He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the
Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and
asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says
"Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your
car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to
the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the
car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up.
The wind will rifle the pages for a while and
eventually the bible will stay open at a particular
page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair
and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach.
He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens
the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and
then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the
bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back
to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian
suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length
mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk.
The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of
money and tells him that he wants to donate this
money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbifor
his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He
recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the
bible brought this good fortune to him. The man
replies: "Chapter 11."
Al Gore, Rush Limbaugh and Bill Gates are on an
airplane together and crash. They've just gone
through the gates of Heaven, and God is sitting on a
great white throne. God addresses Al Gore first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion
engine is evil and that we need to save the world
from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the
whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live
with that. Come and sit at my left "
God then addresses Rush Limbaugh. "Rush, what do you
Rush Limbaugh replies, "Well, I believe in the free
enterprise system, I believe that our leaders should
be people of high moral character, and I believe that
any philanderer who raises our taxes should rot and
burn in hell."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, fine. Come
and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill, what do you
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Let's not talk so much about vice. I'm against vice
in any form." -- John F. Kennedy, when told by a
friend that he would have no trouble winning the
vice-presidential nomination in 1960.
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
The old guy went to his doctor to find out the result
of his lab tests. "I've got good news and bad news,"
the doctor said.
"Give me the good news first," the patient replied.
"The good news is that you have only 24 hours to
"What!" the patient blubbered. "If that's the good
news, what's the bad news?"
"I forgot to call you yesterday."
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
PUNCTUATION, IS. IMPORTANT!
OVERHEARD ON THE AIRWAVES...
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You
are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not
like you admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I
have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can
be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? --
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you
are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not
like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I
have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can
be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I
am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger, Cessna 12345, reduce
airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in
Cessna: "Uh ... tower, I am on the south
ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Answering Machine Messages
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
already sent the money. If you are my parents, please
send money. If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my
friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't
worry, I have plenty of money.
"Hi. Now you say
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my
answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering
machine. What are you?"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll
stick your message to myself with one of these
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her
answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so
I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.'
"Hello, you are
talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a
hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine -this is a
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about
your name, your reason for calling and a number where
I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just
avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message,
and if I don't call back, it's you."
is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar,
then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids
are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are
gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will
feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number,
and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000
Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now
being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of
illegal and immoral purposes.There is no charge for
this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the
near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Please leave a message. However, you
have the right to remain silent. Everything you say
will be recorded and will be used by us.
you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we
really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I
like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So
leave a message, and when we're done brushing our
teeth we'll get back to you.
The FEMALE always makes THE RULES. THE RULES are
subject to change at any time without prior
No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES,
she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a
misunderstanding which was a direct result of
something the MALE did or said wrong, the MALE must
apologize immediately for causing said
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the
express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at
The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the
FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE
know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or
The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.
The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
The MALE must be ready at all times.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in
The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES can't take
the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp!
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were on a camping and
hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying
there looking up at the sky. Holmes said , "Watson,
look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands
" And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day
tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
The Priest and the Rabbi
A priest and Rabbi are on the same flight. The entire time the plane is in
the air the priest is trying to convert the Rabbi. The Rabbi politley
listens and trys to go on about his business. All of a sudden the plane
goes into a terrible nose dive.
A few minutes later, with the plane on the ground, in shambles around their
feet and all the other people dead the priest looks up, and to his amasment
he sees the Rabbi preform the sign of the cross.
The priest runs over to the Rabbi and in a very excited voice says "I knew
it, I knew it, I have converted you!", the Rabbi looks at the priest and
says "What converted, specticals, testicals, wallet and watch."
Real airline announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you
must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will
escort you to the wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,
so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free
to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane
till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to
cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning
to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is
equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their
seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop
at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the
big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we
arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the
event of an emergency water landing, please take them with
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached
our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat
belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come
back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing
in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what
ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came
on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here at US Airways."
Can You Guess the End?
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect
wedding. Their life together was, of course,
One snowy, stormy evening, this
perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a
Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on delivery of his toys, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,the driving
conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman.
She's the only
one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man...
(Women, stop here. Men, keep
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the perfect woman must have been driving. This
explains why there was a car accident.
(By the way
if you're a woman, and you're reading this...this
brings up another point....women never listen
from theJanuary1999Edition of the Jewish Magazine