Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            May 2014    
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Almost Famous Words to Live By:

"Into everyone's life, a little rain must fall, but this is ridiculous."
- Noah

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Question of the Week:

Why do seagulls fly over sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called "bagels."

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Texts Frozen in Time:

Wife texts husband on cold winter morning:
Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back:
Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.

Wife texts back:
Water? Really?

Husband texts back:

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
Computer is really screwed up now.
Any more suggestions?

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Overhear from a Shadchan:

A shadchan (matchmaker) took a young man on a visit to a prospective family. As they left the house the broker said triumphantly, "Didn't I tell you what a wonderful family they were, and how rich? Did you notice the quality of the silverware on the table? Pure sterling!"

"Yes," grudgingly conceded the young man. "But don't you think it's possible that in order to make a good impression on me they borrowed the silverware?"

"Ach, what nonsense!" cried the shadchan in exasperation. "No one would lend any silverware to those thieves?"

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Personals from Israeli Newspapers

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in behind .Looking for American-born woman who speeks English very good. POB 555.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father has gelt. POB 22

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Thought for the Day:

Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

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Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel

It comes in the following flavors:

  • Wailing Walnut
  • Moish mellow
  • Mazel Toffee
  • Chazalnut
  • Oy Ge-malt
  • Mi Ka-mocha.
  • Soda & Gamorra
  • Bernard Malamint
  • Berry Pr'i Hagafen
  • Choc-Eilat Chip
  • and finally: Simchas T'oreo.
It should also be noted that all these flavors come with a Cohen.

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Reflections on the Recent Power Outage:

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

It was interesting; she seems like such a nice person.

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The Jewish Farmer

A Jewish farmer, walking through his hay field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The farmer shouts,"Trink nicht die wasser. Die keyen haben gesheissen dorten." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows shit in it")

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the Sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English."

The Jewish farmer replies, "Use two hands, you'll get more."

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21st Century Synagogue Rabbi:

"Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindles to Art Scroll page 232. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon." P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, Let us daven. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God" S-i-l-e-n-c-e.......

"As we schnorr and accept charity, please have your credit and debit cards ready. You can log on to the Shul Wi-Fi using the password 'Hashem1.'

The Shammes will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the congregants: Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the Shul. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the Shul account.

This week's shiur will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.

Thursday's Talmud Torah study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow the Rabbi on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.

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from the May 2014 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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