Jewish Humor and Jokes



   
    Issue Number 24, August 1999          
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Oklahoma's Edition of Windows 98

Microspoof requested that we inform our readers of the following:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Oklahoma Edition of Windows 98 May have accidentally been shipped outside Oklahoma. If you have received the Oklahoma Edition in error, but still wish to use it, you may need some help understanding the special commands and terminology.

The Oklahoma Edition can be recognized by the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98, with a background picture of a prairie dog superimposed on an Okla. Flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.


* The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
* My Computer is called "This Infernal Contraption"
* Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol' boys"
* Control Panel is known as "The Durn Dashboard"
* Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
* Floppies are referred to as "Them little ole' plastic disk thangs"
* Instead of an error message, you get a window covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Other commands and terms differ as follows:
*OK = 'ats aw-right
*cancel = hail no
*reset = aw shoot
*yes = shore
*no = naaaah
*find = hunt-fer it
*go to = over yonder
*back = back yonder
*help = hep me out here
*stop = ternit off
*start = crank it up
*settings = sittins
*programs = stuff 'at does stuff
*documents = stuff I done done

Also note that "Winders 98" does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. If you received a copy of the Oklahoma Edition, you may return it to Microsoft for a copy of the standard version. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused you.

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Three Guys and a Genie

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said; "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."

Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."

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Advice from Children

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart-off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs money when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station.
Larry, Age 40 1/2 (still in jail)

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8

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MEN TALK BACK

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to find a wife?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women don't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months....
I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day I divorced her."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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More Qickies

5759 - Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 - Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 - Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A: "Is ANYTHING all right?"

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the Vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .

Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank G-d for that...I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. "

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
He exclaims,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Jewish view on when life begins:
There's a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says,"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Jewish Telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

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For the Newly Observant

A newly observant (ba'al tshuvah) house painter was meeting with his Rebbe during the Days of Awe, and wondering how he could correct his previous misdeeds.

"Rebbe, I've done awful things as a painter. I've done sloppy jobs, used inferior quality paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with turpentine, and cut corners. How can I make up for these evil deeds that I've committed in a previous life?"

The Rebbe thought for a while, looked at the painter and then pronounced:
"Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more."

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Writing Home

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

-------------
The Reply:
--------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

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On the Road with Mamma

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astonished to see a Yiddisha Mamma behind the wheel, and she was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"No!", the fair lady yelled back, "It's a SCARF!"

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If Microsoft Were Jewish

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt".

2. When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).

6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".

11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".

13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!".

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."

19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5800" issues.

23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "Since I Am a Rich Man."

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The Rabbi and the Tax Man

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them back to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

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Enough is Enough!!

~~~~~~~

from the August 1999 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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