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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

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A Chassid

A young man with beard and payos (long sidelocks worn by Chassidic Jews) enter a train and sits down in front of an older Jewish Chassid. After some time the young man asks the old man "excuse me, what time is it now". The older man look up to him and does not answer.

Again the young man asks "excuse me, sir, waht time is it now". Again the older man look up to him but still does not answer.

The young men asks "excuse me, why you do not want to be helpful for something as easy as to tell me the hour?".

The older man looks up to him and explains:

"My dear son, I know what you are looking after. I tell you the hour and we will start a conversation. You will hear that I have a very good business and three nice daughters. You come to visit us and after a short time you will ask to marry my one of my daughters.

So tell me, you really think I will give my daughter to somebody who can not afford to buy a watch for himself?"

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Jewish Dog Humor

A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his master, and says in a whiney voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much. And that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible. And I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."

The neighbor looks puzzled. "Oh", explains the dog owner, "he must have thought that I said 'Kvetch'!

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Signs of Old Age

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun-and fun a is lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

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JEWISH TEST

Keep track of how many of each letter you choose!

1. There are no Jews living in:

a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:

a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:

a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:

a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

5. A Jewish mouth never

a. lies
b. closes
c. contains gold teeth

6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are

a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish

7. Wilderness means

a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup

8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:

a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

9. Jews never drive

a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers

10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is

a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter

11. A Jewish skydiver is

a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition

12. Jews never eat at restaurants that

a. aren't kosher
b. cost too much
c. have paintings for sale

13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to

a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set

14. There is no such thing as a Jewish

a. black belt
b. obscene caller
c. toll collector

15. Jews never sing

a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar

16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a

a. horse
b. back hoe
c. toot

17. Jews are ambivalent about

a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".

39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied, or you're from either Florida or New York.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider buying a Nathan's franchise

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Jewish Wisdom

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays. Henny Youngman

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. Peter Malkin It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. Sam Levenson

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. Joe E. Lewis

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. Woody Allen

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservat

ives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. Mort Sahl A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. Henry Kissinger

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, so we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook--and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you please define "chicken"?

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

UNCLE MAX: Vay you ask det kvestion? You did someting wrong, huh?

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Cleaned Up

A Jewish man brings his tallet (prayer shawl) to be dry cleaned.

"How much would this prayer shawl cost?" inquired the Jewish man.

"$15.00" replied the dry cleaners.

"Why that's ridiculous" argued the Jewish man. They argued back and forth but the dry cleaners would not back down. Finally the Jewish man agreed to the quoted price. The following week, the Jewish man comes to collect his prayer shawl and is given a bill for $25.00.

"Hey, you told me it would be $15.00," yelled the Jewish man.

"Yes," replied the dry cleaners, "but it's $10.00 more because we had to get all those knots out."

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Life, experience, and wisdom.

Q. What is the difference between a wedding and a funeral?
A. At the funeral they bury only one.

Love is blind, Marriage is the EYE DOCTOR!

Marriage is a life time arrest with the option to ge released because of BAD BEHAVIOR.

Marriage is like a castle in siege. Everyone inside wants to go out, and everyone outside wants to go in.

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for getting old.

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The Six-Foot Cockroach

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. the doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights.

"What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

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How the Media Would Handle the End of the World...

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.

Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.

National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.

Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.

Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.

Sports Illustrated: Game Over.

Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.

Ladies' Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielsen Ratings Soar!

Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?

Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share.

Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.

America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

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Put Your Favorite Joke Here.

from the February 2000 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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