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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

The Last Will..

Moshe was on his death bed and raised his head gently. "Mendel are you there?"

"Yes, Moshe, I am here."

A moment later Moshe said, "Izzi, are you there?"

His son, Izzi assured him he was by his side.

"Joshua," said the ailing Moshe, "Are you there?"

"I'm here poppa," said Joshua taking his hand. Moshe raised himself on his elbow,

"Then who the hell is minding the shop?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jewish Mothers!

Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
So her daughter would visit twice a week

What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.

What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
Who catered it?

What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
Gefiltered.

What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
Guilt

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

What is a genius?
An average student with a Jewish Mother.

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Getting Around

Two buddies were out for a stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked Over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog. And, by law you are not allowed to discriminate against the handicapped." The bouncer said, "Yes you are right, but this guy has a Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "Come on in."

His buddy with the Chihuahua figured why not? He put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!?!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In Service

One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."

"Good morning rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked,

"Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Jewish Country and Western Hit Parade

(Do ya dig 'em pahdner?)

  1. "Stand by Your Mensch"

  2. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"

  3. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"

  4. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "

  5. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"

  6. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"

  7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"

  8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"

  9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"

  10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"

  11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew She Meant 'Good-bye'"

  12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"

  13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"

  14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk? We're Jews!"

  15. "Mamas, Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (WhenThey Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In the Temple

Ten ways you can tell that the person next to you at Temple is not Jewish:

  1. "Hey, my book is backwards."

  2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?"

  3. "What's with the beanies?"

  4. "Wow, that one person on the stage has a much better singing voice than the other ones."

  5. "I get the standing and the sitting; when do we kneel?

  6. "Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?"

  7. "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"

  8. "Why do a bunch of people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives the sermon?"

  9. "This food after the services is really good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?"

  10. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler on the Roof'!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

= = Electronic Shul = =

You know your Shul has gone over the electronic communications edge when:

  • The Rabbi reads his sermon from a palm-held computer "notepad"

  • There are cell-phone chargers next to where the talesim and kipot are stored

  • MCI takes out full-page ads in the Shul bulletin

  • At the Shul flea market, used cell phones and answering machines outnumber bowling balls, blenders and electric can-openers.

  • Everyone in the Shul assumes everyone knows what "domain" means

  • People without email addresses are known as "the needy"

  • As an April Fool's Day joke on the Rabbi, several of the teenagers hid their pagers around his office, then called them all simultaneously. Apparently it did not startle him. He said he felt like he was at Purim sevices.

  • During coffee and doughnuts after services, people are overheard wondering if tshuvah by email would be "licit." Someone thinks "licit" is the name of a new software company.

  • A petition is circulating to partition the sanctuary, creating a "beepers-on" section in addition to the male and female sections.

  • To quiet fussy 2-year-olds, handing them pagers on "vibrate" is more common than handing them Cheerios.

  • "It's getting so bad," I said to my colleague, "that pretty soon if you forget your contribution envelope for the building drive, there'll be one of those credit card slides in your pew next to the siddurs so you can charge it."

    "You mean your Shul still uses envelopes?" he asked.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"The Rules of Judaism" - Part I

  • If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

  • It's not whom you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

  • No one looks good in a yarmulke (skull cap).

  • WASPs leave and never say good-bye.
    Jews say good-bye and never leave.

  • If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

  • Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

  • Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

  • According to Aunt Matilda's Guide to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. {What? You have a problem with that?}

  • A good Kugel (noodle pudding) sinks in mercury.

  • Before you read the menu, read the prices.

  • There's nothing like a good belch.

  • No meal is complete without leftovers.

  • And what's so wrong with dry turkey? Nu?

  • Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

  • No meal is complete without chocolate.

  • Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

  • Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

  • One mitzvah (good deed) can change the world; two will just make you tired.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

TALMUDIC LOGIC

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going?

I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait... just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two... the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir", answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Out Of Luck"

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and that didn't do him any good!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Triumph of American Know-how

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the March 2000 High holiday Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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