Passover Humor and Joke Page



   
    April 2000 Passover Edition            
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A Passover Lament

'Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate,
After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber),

I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared,
The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese
The way I'd never said, "I've had enough; no more, if you please."
As I tied myself into my apron again I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then -- I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp",
"You can't show up at shul resembling a blimp!"

So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet ,
Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have any more macaroons from the box,
I can't wait til next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.)
I won't have any luxion, farfel or p'chah,
I'll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw
. It's a three day yom tov and shabbas is still
Ahead of me with another fleshiks meal to fulfill
. If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot.
So a zisn pesach to you all and to all a good diet!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There's No Seder Like our Seder


(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")


There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell:
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzoh
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Take Us Out of Egypt


(sung to the tune of "Take me out to the ball game")


Take us out of Egpyt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzoh in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the pesach history game.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Elijah


(sing to the tune of "Maria")

Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Elijah--
Next year we'll be waiting.
Elijah!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Just a Tad of Charoset

(to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")

Chorus:
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.

Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored
through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.

Chorus:

So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......

Chorus:

While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!

Chorus:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Les Miselijah

(to the tune of "Do you hear the people Sing" from Les Miserables)

Do you hear the doorbell ring,
And it's a little after ten?
It can only be Elijah
Come to take a sip again.
He is feeling pretty fine
But in his head a screw is loose.
So perhaps instead of wine
We should only give him juice.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Same time next year


(to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee")

Another pesach, another year,
The family seder with near and dear...
Our faces shining,
All thoughts of dining
Are put on hold now.
We hear four questions,
The answer given
Recalls the Jews from Egypt driven.
The chrain is bitter, (charoses better!)
Please pass the matzoh.
Why is this evening different
From all the other nights?
This year the Jews all over
Are free to perform the rites.
A gorgeous dinner--who can deny it--
Won't make us thinner, to hell with diet!
It's such great cooking...
and no one's looking,
So just enjoy it.
Moving along at steady clip
Elijah enters, and takes a sip;
And then the singing with voices ringing
Our laughter mingling.
When singing about Chad Gad Ya.
Watch close or your place you'll lose,
For Echad Mi Yodea:
Which tune shall we use?
We pray next Pesach
We'll all be here.
It's a tradition...
Same time next year...
So fill it up now, the final cup now,
Next year at ____________

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Ballad of the Four Sons


(to the tune of "Clementine")


Said the father to his children,
"At the seder you will dine,
You will eat your fill of matzoh,
You will drink four cups of wine."

Now this father had no daughters,
But his sons they numbered four.
One was wise and one was wicked,
One was simple and a bore.

And the fourth was sweet and winsome,
he was young and he was small.
While his brothers asked the questions
he could scarcely speak at all.

Said the wise one to his father
"Would you please explain the laws?
Of the customs of the seder
Will you please explain the cause?"

And the father proudly answered,
"As our fathers ate in speed,
Ate the paschal lamb 'ere midnight
And from slavery were freed."

So we follow their example
And 'ere midnight must complete
All the seder and we should not
After 12 remain to eat.

Then did sneer the son so wicked
"What does all this mean to you?"
And the father's voice was bitter
As his grief and anger grew.

"If you yourself don't consider
As son of Israel,
Then for you this has no meaning
You could be a slave as well."

Then the simple son said simply
"What is this," and quietly
The good father told his offspring
"We were freed from slavery."

But the youngest son was silent
For he could not ask at all.
His bright eyes were bright with wonder
As his father told him all.

My dear children, heed the lesson
and remember evermore
What the father told his children Told his sons that
numbered four.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

One for Lent

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance.

The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.

After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur.

She turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"

Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes to sin, the goyim pay retail....."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

While the Pope Visited Israel...

(as revealed by our underthecover reporter)

The good folks at the Tyson Food Company sent a rep to meet the Pope while he was in Israel. After receiving the papal blessings, he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...'to 'give us this day our daily chicken ...' then we will glady donate $500 million to the church."

The Pope responds, saying "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord and it cannot be changed."

Undaunted the Tyson man says, "Well, lets not be hasty. In fact, my company is prepared to make you an offer of $1 billion if you make the change from 'give us this day our daily bread ...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'

Again the Pope replies, "Out of the question. You must understand that the Prayer is the word of the Lord and it cannot be changed.

The Tyson guy gives it one last crank : "Please do think it over. We will gladly donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread ...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'. Having made his last offer, the Tyson man leaves.

The next day, the Pope meets the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the church has come into $5 billion.

The bad news is that we're losing the Wonderbread account."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Missing One

This joke is the joke that you, our dear reader, were supposed to send to us. It did not get in because you did not send it. Please, we must fill up this space with your joke. Send it in now.

with our best thanks,

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Quickies

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do? Write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them when they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If a man says something in the woods and there is no women there, is he still wrong?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

~~~~~~~

from the April 2000 Passover Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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