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In the Spirit ?

Both Al Gore and Dan Quayle were in New Hampshire campaigning. In the spirit of bipartisanship they shared an airplane between campaign stops. On the plane with them (for who knows what reason) were the Archbishop of New Hampshire and a Lubavitcher Rabbi. As they crossed the White Mountains the plane lost power and the pilot notified them that the plane would soon crash. He bailed out.

The remaining four quickly counted parachutes but found only three parachutes still on the plane. Gore shouted, "I'm the Vice President. I have to survive!", grabbed a 'chute and jumped.

Quayle shouted, "I'm the only hope for the Republican party and I have to survive!", grabbed a 'chute and jumped.

The Archbishop turned to the rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I am an old man. I am not married and have fathered no children. Take the last parachute and save yourself".

The Lubavicher replied, "Don't worry, Father, there are still two 'chutes left. Quayle jumped with my tallis and tefillin.

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Jewish Mothers!

What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.

What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
Who catered it?

What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
Gefiltered.

What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
Guilt

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

What is a genius?
An average student with a Jewish Mother.

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!

Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
So her daughter would visit twice a week

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It's Time To Turn Your Computer Off & Read A Book When.....

  1. You wake up at 3 A.M. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

  2. Your name your children, Eudora, AOL and dot com.

  3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

  4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

  5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

  6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.

  7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

  8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

  9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

  10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

  11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

  12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.

  13. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

  14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

  15. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend!

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Always Be Careful with Your Speech

A Rabbi and a Priest died at the same time and met the chief Angel at the Pearly Gates. The Angel said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The Rabbi says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says the Angel, and off flies the Rabbi.

The priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count'?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says the Angel, and the priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells the Angel to recall the two clergymen. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says the Angel. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

The Angel answers, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

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Corporate Study:

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:

  1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

  2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

  3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

  4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

  5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

  6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

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Profession Aptitude Quiz

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Incorrect Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer:
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

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Correct Answer:
Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.

So...
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional.
Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four,
you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four,
consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four,
try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly,
consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as politics.

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Prize Pig
No, it ain't Jewish, but it's funny!

A farmer was in the bar bragging about his pig.

"That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."

The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.

"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.

"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"

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Our Friends, the Lawyers

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "Sam, what is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "Moshe, it's that $50 I owe you."

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Clinton in Chassidic Disguise

Bill Clinton was dismayed by the errors being made by the CIA and the FBI.

He called in the directors and asked, "How come Israel knows things we don't know? How come the Jews here in the US know things we don't know?"

Louis Freeh, the FBI director, called in Moe Katz, an undercover agent, and he told Clinton, "We have a code. We ask 'Vos tutzach?'- which means - What's happening? and we share information"

Clinton orders a Chassidic disguise. He puts on a caftan and shtreimel, a beard with payess and scuffed black shoes.

They secretly fly him into McGuire AFB in New Jersey on a Stealth Fighter. They then smuggle him in an old dented station wagon with an elderly Hassidic driver to Boro Park in Brooklyn, where he is dropped off on a corner.

Clinton approaches a man dressed similarly and asks, "Vos tutzach?"

"Shhhh", the man replies. "Bill Clinton is in Brooklyn."

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REASONS FOR BEING GRATEFUL FOR BEING A MAN

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat

  2. you know stuff about tanks

  3. a 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

  4. you can open all your own jars

  5. dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind

  6. you don't have to learn to spell a new last name

  7. you can leave the motel bed unmade

  8. you get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

  9. wedding plans take care of themselves

  10. if someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend

  11. your underwear costs $10.00 for a three pack

  12. if you are 34 and single nobody notices

  13. everything on your face stays in its original color

  14. you can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.

  15. three pairs of shoes are more than enough

  16. same work, more pay, grey hair and wrinkles only add character

  17. wedding dress--$2000- Tuxedo rental $75.00

  18. you don't mooch off other's desserts

  19. you can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift

  20. if another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become life-long friends

  21. your pals can be trusted to never trap you with-- "so, notice anything different?"

  22. you are not expected to know the names of more than five colors

  23. you don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut or a bolt

  24. you almost never have strap problems in public

  25. you are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes

  26. the same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades

  27. you don't have to shave below your neck

  28. at least a few belches are tolerated and expected

  29. your belly usually hides your big hips

  30. one wallet and one pair of shoes-- one color---all seasons

  31. you can 'do' your nails with a pocketlknife

  32. you have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

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!@#&*--#@!*&--%#$@!--!@#&*--#@!*&--%#$@!--

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the May 2000 Passover Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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