|
The Lighter Side of the Dark Side
by
Barry Silverberg
*with Dear Auntie Fadda, -- Advice to the War-torn Love-Lorn
It's only been five months since the whole country watched us Northerners
shiver in our shelters. Now, we're in an island of tranquillity and the
whole country is shivering.
I'm watching TV, which is contra-indicated for people who like smiling.
They show Palestinian 'police' shooting at Israeli houses. *
All of a sudden, this sleek IDF helicopter streaks across the sky, and
neatly fires a missile (batteries not included!) . . . into . . .an empty
room! Boom, Boom, no Room! Once again, Israel proves her incomparable
superiority over her enemies. The Hisbollah, for example, high on charisma
but low in technology, have been deploying a weapon that destroys an entire
dwelling, leaving only one room in which the family can continue with
dinner. But as always, we're a generation ahead. We have these new missiles
that can pinpoint and demolish a single room, allowing business as usual
in the whole house! We even fire warning shots so that the attacking Palestinians
can leap to safety!
The problem is, who's paying for all this hardware? At this very moment,
the Ministry of Construction of the Palestinian Authority is tendering
contracts so that, if hostilities continue, both sides can benefit economically.
Why fire a missile worth $65,000 each (VAT not included), when the Palestinians
are willing to smash the room up for only 2000 Shekels. Even better: Let
the guys who jump out of the building grab up a set of tools, jump right
back in, and get to work! -- (hard-hats not included) -- thus saving the
taxi fare.
However, rumor has it that the IDF is about to introduce a new 'Postman'
missile that goes straight for the doorbell and warns them personally;
if there aren't any gunmen home it leaves a message. And there are hints
that Military Development may soon come out with still a third missile.
This one has a red kerchief on its head, carries a bucket and takes care
of the mess left by the first one. Talk about your "mopping up operations!".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
* And who paid for these guns? We did. Who gave them
the ammo? We did. Is this a case of Cast Your Bread Upon the Waters, or
what?
|
THIS
COLUMN HAS BEEN MADE POSSILBE THROUGH THE GENEROUS ASSISTANCE OF
GAZA INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, featuring the following start up rising
companies:
Awaad Agamm Insurance Agency "Ivtach El Yahood!"
Anwar
Software / Hardware "The Cutting Edge in Technology"
Aztec.
Com, Human Engineering "Final Solutions"
Fatam.org.net:
Fantasy is Our Reality
Merry
Lynch: Investments
|
-------------------------------------
Peaceful Kiriat Shmona, Come visit.
-----------*-------------------------
Dear
Auntie Fadda,
Advice to the War-torn Love-Lorn
|
Dear Auntie Fadda, I'm so upset I don't know what to do. A few years
ago, I met this incredible guy on a skiing trip in Oslo. Real cute . So
he's not Jewish. So he has a record of violence. And some of my friends,
they're like, "Stay away from him. You're looking for trouble" And I'm
like "You're so wrong. He's reformed. " I met him again at Summer Camp
David, soon there's pictures of us all over the place holding hands, and
we're, you know, a lot of commitment and everything. For a while, it was
wonderful.
Now, all of a sudden, the relationship is on the rocks. He gets so violent
over nothing. There's no more give and take; I give, and he takes! Worst
of all, everywhere he goes, he's kissing these strange men. I can't understand
what happened. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back.
/Little Red Riding E-hud
Dear Red,
In every relationship, the time comes to change partners.
Face it, kid: Yas-sir, he's not your baby, now. Why don't you ask your
friend Bill to bring some Sioux Tribesmen from Arkansas to the talks?
I hear they smoke a mean peace pipe.
A F
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Auntie Fadda,
Why is it that we are so few and our enemies are so numerous?
(signed) Name Held Up by a Roadblock,
Chelm, Israel
Dear Chelmsman,
Your letter comes as a great relief because we thought there
isn't anybody at the Chelm in this country anymore. As for your demographics
question: You must be descended from the Fireman of Chelm who kept his
vegetables in the firetruck and promised to take them out and replace
the water the day before the fire.
In the recent flare up, used the same faulty logic: you
took all the murders out of the room and then blew it up. Why not try
this: Get the murderers together in the room - if it's a problem, just
toss in a Barak effigy doll ('Barbie Barak,' Mattel inc. $14.99, Assault
and battery not included). Then you say: I don't want anyone to leave
the room, and then fire the missile. This will do wonders for the demographic
seesaw.* Amaze your friends!
/ A. F.
* Or, as the song goes, "Seesaw at Yerushalayim, Gilo Ba."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _
Dear Auntie Fadda,
I am incensed by people who blame Arik Sharon for the rioting
and bloodshed of the last weeks. What, Arik Sharon isn't allowed to visit
the Temple Mount? What, Arafat has a little black book of Jews who aren't
allowed to visit our holiest site? If Sharon is blacklisted, what about
Limor Livnat?, Eh? What about Gandi?
Furiouser and Furiouser,
Give-us Hatachmoshet
Dear Give,
The secret clauses in the recent Sharm Agreement demand
that from now on, Limor Livnat will not be allowed to walk down King George
St. without a leash. As for Gandi, if he wants to go to the bathroom,
Rajoob goes with him.
Your Auntie Fadda
Dear Auntie Fadda,
Don't you admire that Nasrallah? His calm demeanour, his
integrity. Other dictators rant and rave, pillage and shed innocent blood.
He's above all that.
/Fatima Tova Marge-ay-rine,
Lebanon
Dear Tova,
How can you say he's above that? He's-belloh that.
To the writer of this column:
Your last joke has gone too far and we will blow you up
in five minutes.
/ hassan "the Man" Nasrallah
----------------------------
Dear Auntie Fadda,
Please forward this to all those nice boys in the Israeli
Army:
Dear Soldiers,
You are cordially invited to a Tupperware party at the Northern
Border, Itbach L.Yehud Gate (formerly the Good Fence). Please come in
small groups and don't tell your CO.
Ms B'allah**
The Sisterhood of the Islamic Brotherhood.
-------------------------------------------------
Dear Aunti Fadda,
I thought I was a Post Zionist, but Post -Zionism has failed
me! What do I do now? Do you have a message to uplift our spirit in these
times of confusion?
Yossi Beil-out,
Waddi Arra-Fart
Hey Joe, Don't forget it's Succot. We're supposed to vacate
our homes anyway. What with your Secular Revolution going on, we needed
a bit of a push! Remember, The Tora tells us that for Succot, you take
a 'PRE, ' i.e. not a 'POST.' As for an uplifting mantra, how about: Make
Lulav, not War. Or would you prefer: Ramla Shall not Fall Again !!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
THIS
COLUMN HAS BEEN MADE POSSILBE THROUGH THE GENEROUS ASSISTANCE OF THE PLO-PLA: ' LO ZAZIM ME-HABAYYIT!
|
-------------------------------------
Peaceful Kiriat Shmona, Come visit. Barry Z Silverberg
|
