Jewish Humor and Jokes


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel

 
 
 
 

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Business in Chelm

Two businessmen from Chelm meet on the street. One says to the other:

"You just opened last month, and already you are doing better than me. What is your secret?"

"I sell everything at cost."

"How can you do that and stay in business?"

"I buy below cost."

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George W. and the Matza Balls

George W. aides deciding that he needs to improve his image by the Jews, arranged for him to eat at a Jewish Kosher restaraunt. In this way he would shouw the Jews how much he likes their culture.

"But I don't like Jewish food. I never had it, don't want it," he quiped.

"Never mind," his aides retorted, "you must build up the Jewish vote support. You want Lieberman to win next time?"

George W. agreed reluctantly and went down to the local Jewish restaraunt where a TV crew was waiting.

"I don't know what all of this stuff is," he mumbled to his aides, "order me something."

The aide, knowledgeable in Jewish cuisine, ordered George W. a bowl of Matza ball soup.

"What the hell is this," he quiped looking at it in distrust.

"Matza balls. All the Jews eat it. So you just smile and eat it and you will make big points by the Jews."

George scoured a bit, begrudgingly lifted up a tiny bit of the matza ball and tasted it. "Hmmm, very good, yes, very good indeed." He ate the soup up very very fast with great enthusiasm in front of the TV cameras.

"Really great George," his aide wisphered to him.

"Tell me, this is good stuff but," he said to his aide, "do the Jews eat any part of this here matza besides the balls?

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The Bible Told Me So

A teenager had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."

To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

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The Observant Jew

Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."

"Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of reasons for Irving's behavior."

"Yeah, like what?"

"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."

"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenwer is."

"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."

"She had one last week."

"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."

"She's home."

"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."

"He is a doctor."

"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."

"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."

"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"

"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie. It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."

"Wow, you're a really observant Jew! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."

"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"

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"Pizza in Japan"
(read this with thick Japanesse accent)

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a kosher pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The Japanesse deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: 'pepper only'."

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Syrian virus from Damascus

(cut this out and mail it to a friend)

Dear receiver,

You have just received a Syrian virus. Since we are not so technologically advanced in Syria, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to everyone you know. Thank you very much for helping me.

            Shukran,

            Hacker.

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Jewish jokes

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Is ANYTHING all right?"

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

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Wedding Cake

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

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Quotes to Ponder

The future ain't what it used to be. (Yogi Berra)

A nickel ain't worth a dime any more. (Yogi Berra)

If you come to a fork in the road, take it. (Yogi Berra)

They used a computer to translate "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" into Russian. It came out "The vodka is agreeable but the meat is rotten".

They used a computer to translate "Out of sight, out of mind" into Russian. It came out "invisible idiot".

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, there's a relative.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Don't put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after that.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

Make it idiot proof and someone will invent a better idiot.

It's hard to make something idiot proof nowadays. The idiots are too clever.

They say insanity is hereditary: you get it from your kids.

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The Benefits of Growing Older
(and you thought there weren't any) ;-)

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4:00.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

You have great friends who think of you often and e-mail you lists like this!

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:-)       :-)       :-)       :-)       :-)      

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the March 2001 Edition Jewish Magazine

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