The Jewish Humor and Joke Page


Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

Jonah and the Whale vrs. Girl and teacher

A little girl was observed by her teacher waiting for her parents to come and pick her up. The teacher noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale."

Feeling a little pernicious, she knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation.

"What's that you have in your hand?", she asked.

"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.

"Tell me something, little girl," she continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?"

The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!" She inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big fish, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?"

She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Scriptures and we studied about it today!"

Then the teacher asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?"

She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."

The teacher then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?"

She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"

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Can I Break the Yom Kippur Fast?

Shapiro's son, Greg, walked up to his father's rabbi during the break between the Musaf and Mincha services on Yom Kippur.

"Rabbi Pollak, you must help me...I know that we're supposed to fast this day, but I am so thirsty--I must be allowed to have something to drink!"

Rabbi Pollak quietly, but firmly responded, "I am sorry, but it must be pekuach nefesh (life-threatening) before the fast may be broken."

"But, you don't understand," whined young Shapiro, "if I don't get something soon, I am going to faint from thirst." Shapiro had continued on for some time when the rabbi finally relented and instructed the Gabbai to give Greg a shot-glass of water.

Young Shapiro quickly downed the liquid, whereupon he gasped, "That's the last time I'll have salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur."

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Arafat's Secret Cabinet Meeting

Yasser Arafat finally gets tired of everyone accusing his government of not being democratic. He arranges a secret conference with George W. to find out how he can run a real democracy.

"Well," says Bush, "First thing you have to do is make sure all the people in your government understand their roots. You give them a simple test, like this."

He calls in Colin Powell. "Colin," he says, "Who is the child of your father and your mother, but is not your brother or your sister?"

Powell answers, "That's simple - me."

Bush then turns to Arafat in triumph, "See? Anyone who can't answer that is not fit to work in a government."

Arafat, much inspired, gathers his advisors together and announces he is about to overhaul his government by giving them a little test. The PA advisors all look at him and then at one another. Arafat then pops the question President Bush taught him: "Who is the child of your father and your mother, but is not your brother or your sister?"

He points to several in turn around the table, and they each stare at him blankly, afraid that whatever answer they give will be the wrong one. After a few minutes, Hanan Ashrawi, the last one he pointed at, leans over to the one sitting next to her, who happens to be Ahmed Tibi, and whispers, "Do you know?"

Tibi whispers back, "Yes, I heard about this at Camp David - it's a stupid riddle that the Americans pull on everyone in their cabinet. You're supposed to answer, 'me'."

Ashrawi immediately raises her hand and says, "The answer is 'Ahmed Tibi'."

Arafat finally loses patience and shouts: "Are you all idiots like this one?! The answer is 'Colin Powell'!!"

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L'Shana Tova

A New Year's prayer for you -

Dear Lord:

May we get a clean bill of health from our dentist, our psychiatrist, our opthalmologist, our cardiologist, our gastroenterologist, our urologist, our proctologist, our gynecologist, our podiatrist, our plumber and the IRS.

May our hair, our teeth, our facelift, our abs, our honey cakes, and our stocks not fall and may our blood pressure, our triglycerides, our cholesterol, our white bood count, our weight and our mortgage interest rates not rise.

May we find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour and when we get there, may we find a parking space.

May we all relax about the third millennium of the common era, and realize that we still have 239 years until the dawn of the sixth millennium of the Hebrew calendar by which time the computer will be long since obsolete and so will we.

May we be awe-struck by G-d's sense of humor as we realize that he really does not want us to touch our toes while exercising or he would have put them further up our bodies; and, the reason so many of us take up jogging is to hear heavy breathing again.

May what we see in the mirror delight us and what others see in us, delight them.

May someone, as well as G-d, love us enough to forgive our faults, be blind to our blemishes and tell the world about our virtues.

May the telemarketers wait until after we finish dinner to call us. May our checkbooks and budgets balance and may they include generous amounts for charity.

May we remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to our spouse, our child, our parent, all of our significant others but not our boss, our intern, our nurse, our masseur, our hairdresser or our tennis instructor.

And may the Messiah come this year, and if he does not, may we live as if he has, in a world at peace, with awareness of G-d's love in every sunset, flower, baby's smile, lover's kiss, and every wonderful astonishing beat of our heart. May we smile and laugh throughout the year.

L'Shana Tova.

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Important Info for the coming year!!

5762 = New Year according to Jewish calendar
4699 = Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 = Total number of years that Jews suffered without Chinese food

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Subject: Termination Terminology

Quick Question:

What is the proper term that should be used by the BBC, CNN, LA Times, Economist, and Washington Post to refer to a Palestinian terrorist who plans bombings of Jews and is then blown to pieces with some of his family members while riding in a Mercedes struck by a missile from an Israeli helicopter while riding through Ramallah?

Answer: An Inactivist......

Followup Question: And what do you call the Israeli troops shooting the missile?

Answer: Deactivists....

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Horse sense
Skip this one if you got any sense!

Two cowboys are riding through the desert on horseback. One cowboy looks over at the other and asks, "You got any chap stick?"

The second cowboy replies "Nope, sorry."

So the first cowboy jumps off his horse and runs behind it. He proceeds to lift his horse's tail, give him a big kiss right on the rear end, and jump back on his horse.

After a couple more miles the second cowboy says, "Sorry, but I gotta ask... does that really cure chapped lips?"

The first cowboy replies, "Nope, but it sure keeps me from licking 'em."

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48 Words of Wisdom

with thanks to Rabbi N. Wineberg

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

5. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

13. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

15. If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

16. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

18. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will spend the grocery money on graphite rods and buzzbaits.

19. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

20. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

21. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

22. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

23. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

24. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

25. Don't squat with your spurs on.

26. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

27. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

28. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

29. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

30. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

31. Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

32. Telling a man to go to hell and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.

33. Tact is the ability to tell him to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.

34. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

35. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

36. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

37. Never ask a man the size of his spread. (Or anything else for that matter!)

38. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

39. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

40. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

41. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

42. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

43. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

44. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

45. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

46. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

47. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

48. He who wants better jokes in the Jewish mag should send them in or the joke is on him!

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What I Want in a Man

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Nice looking--prefer some hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens as much as he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Will spend some time with my family
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Plans some romantic weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly--bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady--splurges on dinner on occasion
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Is not jealous of time spent with friends
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Says my name instead of "Chick" or "Babe"
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Snores only lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Gets more food into his mouth than on the floor
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it is a weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing

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Truths About Men

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

All men look nerdy in green socks and sandals.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words even strike fear in the heart of General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: Depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: Nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be like Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly, ever notice?

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski or snowmobile suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

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