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Jewish Law

What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son won't eat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't eat her cooking?

The Italian mother kills her son.

The Jewish mother kills herself.

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Basic Rules For Driving In Israel
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Israeli driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

5. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in Israel, except where the police have placed "dummy" cameras.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Israeli driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Tel Aviv. This does not mean that the moron behind you doesn't want you to move faster.

12. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

13. Learn to swerve abruptly. Israel is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Public Works Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. See 3 and 4 above.

15. Remember that the goal of every Israeli driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

16. Real Israeli women drivers can apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Real Israeli men drivers can use their cell-phone, argue with the back seat passenger and reprimand the driver next to him in sign language, at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic. (See 18 below).

18. In Israel, flipping someone the bird is considered to be abject lunacy. This gesture will likely result in your getting seriously beaten up as soon as the subject of your salute has finished ramming your car or firing randomly into it with his automatic rifle (Arab).

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Sex at tht ATM

Male:
1 Drive up to the ATM.
2 Roll down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash to withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Drive off

Female:
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse the required amount to align car window to ATM
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Roll down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open door to allow access to machine due to excessive distance from car.
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right side up
11 Re-enter handbag to find Day-Timer with your PIN written on inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forward 6 feet
21 Reverse to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, place card into the slot provided.
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3.7 miles
26 Release hand brake

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"Truths About Parenting"

- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- Lord invented mothers because He couldn't be everywhere at once.

- Lord invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:
    1) do it yourself
    2) hire someone to do it
    3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

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"Fishing"

A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "O.K. I've GOT to see this!"

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the guy and said,"Well?"

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The guy asked.

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"Bible Salesman"

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."

"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!"

The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today."

The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"

"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles."

The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today."

The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is."

Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"

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"Hiccups"

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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Newspapers...

Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.

The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

The Jewish Magazine is read by people who like jokes but won't send any in.

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Cut, Cut, Cut

A chassid walks into a tiny restrauant and reads the menu.

Flaffel $2.00

Blintzes $4.00

Complete bris $10.00

The chassid walks over to the cook and asks, "You personally do the bris here in the restrauant?"

"Just this morning", the cook exclaims!

"Good," replies the chassid, "go wash your hands, I want an order of Flaffel."

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Old folks ....

1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.

6. This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!

7. If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.

8. If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.

9. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!

10. "Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!

11. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

12. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

13. Take my advice, I'm not using it!

14. Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?

15. You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

16. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

17. I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

18. I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!

19. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

20. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

21. I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so much it caught my underwear on fire!

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the November 2001 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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