Passover Satire on Partial Israeli News



   
    March Passover 2002 Edition            
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Chronicle Illness

by Barry Silverberg

Last Saturday night, I was passing Netania on the coastal road on the way home when I was suddenly surrounded by police vans and ambulances. A scant five minutes before, gunmen had opened fire on a crowd of hotel guests returning from a Bar Mizva. I was stuck in traffic with only the voice of the news flashes for company.

The shooting was still going on, rivers of blood were flowing only a kilometer or two from where I was sitting. I heard the news commentator calmly explain how 'both sides' of the conflict are doing their best to strengthen their positions before the arrival of the American envoy, Mr. Zinni. Not the Anti- Semitic French press. Not the misguided American press.

Our own newspeople; so adamant in their desire to be 'objective' that they have lost site of the objective. How will we ever win this struggle if our own people - educated, well informed, in influential positions-do not see that there is any difference between us and them?

This is supposed to be a humour column, right? O K:

Well, Pesach is coming, and we are commanded to re-tell the story as if we had just lived through it. So, here is -

THE EXODUS FROM EGYPT

IF IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN

BY 'OBJECTIVE' ISRAELI NEWS REPORTERS

LUXOR: AS Many as 5000 charioteers lost their lives today and thousands more are still unaccounted for in what experts say is the worst military disaster in Egyptian history. Early this morning, reports came in of illegal border crossing in the Goshen vicinity. Royal Brigades 419 and 650 were engaged in a routine search-and-capture mission when they were drawn into a fatal ambush. The escaped slaves led our brave soldiers into a cul-de-sac deep in the Red Sea. Then, terrorists used a remote control device to collapse the ocean wall directly on top of our forces. For many, death was instantaneous.

The royal family, still in mourning over the assassination of the Crown Prince last week, could not be reached for comment.

No organization has yet claimed credit for today's bloodthirsty attack, but all evidence points once again to 'Binei Yisrael.' Binei Yisrael has been held responsible for no fewer than ten brutal assaults on our country over the last few months, culminating in a recent wave of slayings which has left no family unscathed.

Who is the leader of these terrorists? He has never been seen. No heirographs of his face exist and his current or past whereabouts are unknown. Yet his name, which is never even said aloud by gang members, strikes terror in the hearts of members and non-members alike.

This is the elusive 'Elo-him' AKA 'Yah-weh' AKA 'Kel Shadai.'

Elo-him has masterminded other operations of in mass destruction. His name is linked to the fire bombings of Sodom as well as Gemorra. The Fillistine Bureau of Investigation pinpoints Him in the kidnapping and elimination of Enoch-last seen 'walking with Elo-him' who then 'was no longer there' for Elohim 'took him' { Genesis. V:24}. The body has never been found.

The Name of Elo-him has also been linked with the air strike that leveled Babylonian Towers, forever changing the Mesopotamian skyline and leaving a legacy of shock and chaos. Most significantly, He is implicated in the Great Flood, which required sophisticated water- management technology reminiscent of today's horror.

impartial Israeli Press

On-the-scene reporters were appalled by the barbaric behavior of the Israelite slaves. Oblivious to the frantic cries of the survivors, they erupted in a frenzy of joy; dancing, singing, beating uncouth musical instruments. "Never have I witnessed such callous disregard for human life," said Tut Ram-Mah, of the Cairo Proctor. "Even the women joined in the bloodthirsty celebration over the death of our soldiers. These people know only hatred. Anyone who believed in an economic solution to the Israelite problem (i.e. the Pharaoh Servitude Accords) was being naive."

Most of the victims sank straight to the sea bottom - 'Like boulders,' eye-witnesses report. Those which wash ashore will be mummified and interned in the Cheops Pyramid next Friday morning at 9:00 Goshen Mean Time.


- Barry Silverberg . . . Kiriat Shmona, March 18, 2002

~~~~~~~

from the March Passover 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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