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    March Passover 2002 Edition            
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Passover Prize

Wouldn't you think that the person who plans,

The person who changes the pots and pans.

The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,

And brings home the matzo meal, bloody and bowed,

Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,

And races the clock to those Passover dates.

Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,

And goes around muttering "nobody cares".

Who fixes charoset and karpas and eggs,

And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs.

Wouldn't you think when the matzo is hid,

SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?

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Moses's Gift to the Auto Industry

My five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: "Guess what we made in Jewish school today, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!"

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The P.O. of the PA smells like B.O.

The Palestinian Authority just published its first stamp, with the portrait of Chairman Arafat on it. After a while the Palestinian postal service reported that the new stamps are having real problems staying attached to the envelopes and keep falling off. Arafat demanded an explanation for this, and his assistants finally found out the reason: "Abu Amar, it seems the people are spitting on the wrong side..."

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Another Matzah Joke

A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, "Who wrote this?"

variation:

What did the blind man say after being given his first piece of Matzoh?

"Who writes this crap?"

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Hold on Herb!

A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. Afterwandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; an old Jewish man, a Litvak yet, sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man.

"Can you help us? We're heading west but we're lost and all our food is gone. We're starving."

The old man replied, "Vell you know, I can see the future...Vait.. I'm getting a vision now." He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming. Oh yah, I see, I see." "I know vut you gotado.

Go up dis here hill und down other side. Go through forest und across the stream. Den go up next hill und down to dat valley below. There you vill find ah bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.

"YA, ah bacon tree. Trust me.. for nuttin vud I lie. I can see the future."

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old man's directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below.

Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a damned thing and especially not a bacon tree.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man was killed, even he was seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley. There, under the tree was that same old Jewish man, having a glass of tea, right where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting...... "What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of Indians! And the rest of my group? THEY'RE ALL DEAD! "

The man held up his hand and said "Oye, vait A minute, vait A minute... I'm getting anudder vision.... Oyeeee. Ooooh. NOW I get it....G'VALT, I make ah big mistake... It vuz not a bacon tree... It vuz a ham bush!"

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"Skinny Dipping"

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

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Another Rabbi and Priest one

A Rabbi and a Priest are riding together on the train. After some time the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, have you ever eaten ham?"

The Rabbi replies, "Yes, I must admit that one time and a long time ago I did eat some Ham." The Priest smiled but said nothing.

Some time later, the Rabbi turned to the Priest and asked, "Have you ever made love to a woman?"

The Priest replies, "Yes, I must admit that one time and also long ago I did make love to a woman."

"So," asked the Rabbi, "was it better than ham?"

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Arab Barbie Doll Makes Bucks in Palestine

Did you hear the latest craze in the Arab world? The Hisbarbie-lala Doll with toy explosives strapped to her chest? After she blows up, the kids can re-assemble the pieces.

Don't pass over this one!

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Morals for Today

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

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Quotes From Some Jews:

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
-- David Steinberg

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
-- George Burns

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman

Don't be so humble; you're not that great.
-- Golda Meir

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
-- Sam Levenson

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days had lost exactly two weeks.
-- Joe E. Lewis

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
-- Richard Lewis

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
-- Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
-- Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-- Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
-- Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
-- Peter Malkin

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
-- Fran Lebowitz

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

God will pardon me. It's His business.
-- Heinrich Heine

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
-- Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Sam Goldwyn

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
-- Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-- Oscar Levant

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
-- Mort Sahl

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
--Sam Goldwyn

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12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the March Passover 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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