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Morris in Air

Morris gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

Morris starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so Morris is sitting there, looking at the huge guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the Morris. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big man's chest.

About five minutes later the big gorilla wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says Morris, . . . "are you feeling better now?"

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Wadya Think!

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, . . . ."Anyone who's 99."

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Did it Work?

Harry Moses Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a place known never to admit Jews.

First, Harry went to court and had his name changed to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.

After that, he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one.

Next, he hired an elocution tutor from England to teach him to speak like a native Brit.

And finally, Harry worked his way into the graces of several well-established members of the Greenvale Country Club.

Two years after embarking on his project, Howard Frobisher appeared before the club's membership committee.

"Please state your name," the chairman said.

In a clipped Oxfordian accent, Harry replied, "I'm Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."

"And, tell us, where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"

"Eton and Oxford."

The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"

"Goy."

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Street Name

"I'd like da number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," the Brooklyn boy said to the 411 information operator.

"There are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Vell, most people here just call me Izzy."

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Birds & Bees

Morris and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.

"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got , I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city...in Brooklyn."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Gee, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts ?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

" So screw'em, I hate bees."

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Mrs. Spiegel Rides Again

Mrs. Spiegel was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Spiegel, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"

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Brass Balls

A little old Jewish lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

( * * Chutzpah = brass balls )

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Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd ----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

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WHAT IS MARRIAGE???

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That's true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

15. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but still they stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. "I married Miss right, I just didn't know her first name was Always."

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL - MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." "WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lighs on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?" The other replied, "YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN."

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

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@%*^&)&^%#$)?!!#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the September 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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