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Wait 'till Ya Get to the End!

An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"

"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]

"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky."

Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

(now is there any problems?)

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The Jewish Theif in Court

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered Morris the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied Morris.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three of those times were to return the dress I took before. "

"Return the dress?" echoed the judge. "Why!!??"

"My wife didn't like the color."

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Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors:

Wailing Walnut
Mazel Toffee
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally (drum roll, please).........
Simchas T'oreo.

It should also be noted that all these flavors come with a Cohen.

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Chassidic Joke

The story is told of two men visiting New York City for the first time who come across two Jews wearing long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long beards and payos (earlocks).

One man turns to the other and says, "What's that?"

The second man replies, "Hassidem."

The first man responds, "I see them, too - but, what are they?"

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Jacob (87) and Rebecca (82) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a super drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, constipation, and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob turns to Rebecca: "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them."

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Little Hershkele Stankow was shopping with his mother, much to his dismay.

When they walked past a toy store and Hershkele saw a new toy he really wanted, he begged and pleaded and pulled on his mama's arm until she said, "Sorry Hershkele. We are not here to buy you a toy."

Hershkele pulled away from his mama in anger and said, "I never met a lady as mean as you!"

Taking his hand in hers, she gently retorted, "Hershkele, darling, someday you'll get married and you will ... you will!"

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Morris the Suit Salesman

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, Morris, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" Morris said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked."

"That's the one!" said the clerk.

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," Morris replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

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Jewish Brilliance

Morris Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for his US citizenship papers.

He was asked to spell "Cultivate" .... He spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence.

He brightened up and said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took a taxi home."

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Bumper Stickers

The born-again Christians had a bumber sticker reading:
. . . "I found it !"

There was a bumber sticker with a Mogen David on it saying:
. . . "We never lost it!"

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Flash from the European Council

The European Council spokesman has confirmed that from the introduction of the Euro in January, 2002 the phrases like `spending a penny`... " a penny for your thoughts "; etc ...should no longer be used in any form relating to the spending of Euros.

Henceforth the correct terminology will be "euronating" !

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Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.


from the October 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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