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Jewish Manliness

Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?

A: Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.

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Bar Mitzvah Definition

A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

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Overheard on the Phone

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

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Iraqi Left-Overs

What is the Iraqi air force motto? I came, I saw, Iran.

Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program? Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? Two days.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign ambassador.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

What is Iraq's national bird? Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their air force.

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News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped down on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq had indeed possessed weapons of math instruction.

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The Price is Wrong

Moshe asks his wife, Sadie, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," she replies.

"Well, how about a new Mercedes?" says Moshe.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well, what would you like for you anniversary?" Moshe asks.

"Moshe, I'd like a divorce" answers Sadie.

"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Moshe.

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That's The Way It Is

A mother and her son were traveling on a bus in Israel. The child chattered away in Hebrew while the mother kept saying, "Yiddish, Yiddish, speak Yiddish!" The son continued to talk in Hebrew while the mother kept insisting that the kid speak Yiddish.

A man who was sitting nearby, piped up, "Excuse me lady, but why do you insist that your son speak Yiddish?"

"I don't want him to forget that he's Jewish" answered mama.

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Relativity Speaking

Three Jewish ladies were comparing their sons.

The first said, "My son loves me so much, that he writes me a letter every week, just so he can talk to me".

The second said, "That's nothing. My son loves me so much, that he calls me long distance every week, just so he can talk to me".

The third said, "That's nothing. My son loves me so much, that when goes to see his therapist every week for the past 20 years, all he does is talk about me".

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"Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock."

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The Last, but not Least

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

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Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)


from the May 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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