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Bar Mitzvah

There was a young man who was known for his lack of religious study. The rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed.

The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation. But then the rabbi, added a special gift.

He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of G-d... ....and now for my own special gift to you"!

With that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"

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Bar Mitzvah Reception

The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Grand Concourse Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated lavishly with beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite.

Statues of ice, spewing forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.

Mr. & Mrs. Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late.

They surveyed the situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent in the name of religion. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them.

As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"

And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"

This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"

"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein works only in halvah!"

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One for the Rabbi

A rabbi suffers a severe flu attack and is confined to the hospital for several weeks.

The synagogue's president pays him a visit. "I want you to know, Rabbi, that last night the board of directors voted a resolution wishing you a speedy recovery. . .

...And it passed, twelve to nine."

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Dedication of the Concert Hall

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Morris Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check", replied the guide.

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Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding. All was fine until they reached the last line.

Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?" Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember. Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!!

It means. . . "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"

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First to Learn

Before sending her son off for his first day at school, Mrs. Cohen hugged him and said: "Good luck, my sweet bubbeleh. Be good, dear bubbeleh, and work hard. "And remember, my bubbeleh, at lunch time eat all of your food and play nicely with the other children. Oh, bubbueleh, I'm so proud of you!"

That afternoon, when little Cohen returned home, his mother cried: "Bubbeleh, my sweet bubbeleh, give your mother a hug! So, tell me, what did you learn at school today?"

"Well," said the boy, "to start with, I learned that my name is Aaron."

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First Things First

A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. The guardian angel meets them at the gate to heaven.

The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven." The guardian angel tells her to go to the left.

The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." The guardian angel tells her to step to the left.

The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, "I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family." The angel tells her to step to the right.

She immediately asks him, "Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"

The angel replies, "Don't you have to go to the beauty salon first?

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Popular Jewish Movies

1. GONIF WITH THE WIND - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.

2. THE P-TZMAN RINGS TWICE - A Mohel murder mystery.

3. SCHNORER RAE - A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement.

4. BALABOOSTA BURN - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook.

5.THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY - A kosher noodle western.

6. MOBY DRECK - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.

7. THE CINCINNATI YID - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation.

8. LITVAK BIG MAN - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American, Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant.

9. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES... Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.

10. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER - Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.

11. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH - the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips.

12. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE - an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.

13. MAMZER POPPINS - A talented nanny has questions about her birth..

14. THE MATZO CANDIDATE - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.

15. MISTER SCHNAPPS GOES TO WASHINGTON -Jimmy Stewart thinks he's still filming Harvey.

16. DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK - Harrison Ford plays chanukah games.

17. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE - Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.

18. BORSCHT-TIME FOR BONZO -Ronald Reagan tries to train an Ashkenazi monkey.

19. SINGING IN THE CH'RAIN - Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella, with a plain stain in the rain, again.

20. THE SIX CENTS... Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.

21. SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS...Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.

22. DREYDEL WILL ROCK... Chanukah toy comes alive.

23. OY OF THE BEHOLDER... Singles kvetch about their awful dates.

24. GOYS DON'T CRY... Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Tisha B'Av.

25. ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK... Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann.

26. STUART LADLE... Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.

27. THE GREEN MOYEL... Young man performs first circumcision.

28. MON ON THE MOON... Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling on lunar surface is not green cheese.

29. GOY STORY II... Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.

30. ANGELA'S KASHAS... Woman reveals secret recipes.

31. SUPERNOVA... Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.

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At his wife's insistence, Goldberg finally went to his doctor for a check up.

"You look terrible," said the doctor. "Do you drink?"

"Why yes, plenty." said Goldberg. "I start every day with a bottle of schnapps."

"And with that cough," the doctor continued, "you probably are a smoker."

"You bet," said Goldberg, "Three packs a day for me."

"Look Mr. Goldberg," the doctor said. "You are not a healthy man. You're going to have to give up smoking and drinking right away, and thats an order. And before you go, that'll be $50 for my advice."

Goldberg replies, "So who's taking it?"

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Be Careful Not to say the following to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. How'd ya get that pot belly?

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"

You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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from the June 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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