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Zimmerman Fights On

After volunteering to fight for his country in WW II, Zimmerman joined his unit and lined up for his uniform. As equipment was issued in strict alphabetical order Zimmerman found himself at the back of the queue. By the time he reached the desk all the uniforms had been issued. There were none left. Zimmerman was issued with a badge that said "soldier" in red letters."You didn't want a scratchy old uniform anyway," the quartermaster said.

"Join the line for your rifle." Zimmerman joined the back of the rifle queue. When he reached the front Zimmerman found that all the rifles had been distributed and then, once again, there were none left. "You don't want to kill people anyway," said the quartermaster. "I'll issue you with a stick and you can shout Bang Bang!" "Thank you," said Zimmerman, and joined the queue for bayonets.

Once again, on reaching the desk Zimmerman was disappointed. The quartermaster issued him with a lollipop stick with the advice that he should shout "Sticky-sticky" when using it.....And so on.

Within weeks Zimmerman found himself on the front lines shouting "Bang-bang" for all he was worth. On his second day the German enemy began a mass advance. One by one Zimmerman's unit were killed or wounded until only Zimmerman himself remained standing. "Bang-bang!" he shouted, and was amazed to see his German foes still falling. Soon they began to overwhelm his trench and Zimmerman began to stab wildly with his lollipop stick. "Sticky-sticky. Sticky-sticky." Astoundingly it worked.

The enemy were dying at his feet. The survivors began to retreat. All, that is, with the exception of one man who was only half way across no-man's land and was still advancing slowly. Zimmerman took careful aim with his stick-rifle and calmly said; "Bang-Bang." The enemy soldier continued his advance. "Bang-bang, bang-bang, bangedy-bang-bang-bang," Zimmerman yelled frantically. Still he came. Before he could reach the trench Zimmerman leapt up and ran at him with the lollipop stick. "Sticky-sticky, he said. And then added "Stab-stab-stab," for good measure.

The enemy soldier refused to die and stared at Zimmerman defiantly. By now Zimmerman had had enough. "Wait a minute, " he said. "When I shouted 'Bang' your comrades died, but not you. When I engaged them in hand-to-hand combat with my lollipop stick they fell over dead, but not you. What gives?" ....."I'm a tank, " said Herr Zanker.

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Shabbos Ends Quickly in Williamsburg

A man crosses Bedford Ave in Williamsburg, ON SHABBOS, when he sees a pack of money. With a rubber band around it...HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!

He places his foot on top of it, and stands there. After a few minutes, traffic is building up, and people are honking..YELLING "GET OUT OF THE STREETS". He points to the money under his foot, and the motorists yell "PICK IT UP", and he replies" I can't...It's SHABBOS!"

Well in about an HOUR the traffic is BACKED UP TO ATLANTIC AVENUE (MILES) and a cop comes up to the man and says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?".

The man tilts his foot over and shows the policeman the PACK OF MONEY.

The cop says "PICK IT UP". The man says "I can't ...It's Shabbos...I can't".

The policeman hits the man in his head.... As the man falls over , He scoops up the money, puts it in his pocket, and walks away.

The cops yells "HOW COME YOU PICKED UP THE MONEY?"

The mans calls back "When you hit me, I saw stars".......

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Intelligence

Little Morris went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, Morris my son, you must have gotten it from Shirley, your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

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My Mudder

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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Heavy Philosophy

"You can't lose weight without exercise".

But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did.

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Public Service Message

from French's Mustard.....

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:

"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow."

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In Sanity

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

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Cheap Abe

As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $2. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $3 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail.

A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived.

"Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered."

"What terrible luck." said Abe, "The Post Office is getting worse all the time."

"It's really a shame," she replied. "It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately."

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Morris Again in TA

Morris was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party.

Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen,Ive just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."

A voice from the back of the hall shouted, "I will give $175!"

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Romance

An older couple were lying in bed one night. Morris, the husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across held her hand for a second and then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "The you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, Morris reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later, she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going Morris ?" She asked.

"To get my teeth!"

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

~~~~~~~

from the July 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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