Jewish Humor and Joke Page


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The Thermos

A moron was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. He was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the moron, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!"

So he bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

His boss, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," the moron replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

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Food for Thought

Is the reason the average Jewish woman would rather be pretty than smart, is because the average Jewish man can see better than he can think.

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Jewish Fire and Rescue

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Morris Fercrept, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that *&%(&!@ truck!"

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels"

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When there is a Will, there is a Wave

The lawyer was reading out the Will of Sam Rosenblatt, a rich man, to those people mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter Sahra, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business, and $1 million.

" To my nephew Irving, my 2 Jaguars, and my winter home in Aspen.

"And to my cousin Morris, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong again Morris !

So Hello, Morris!"

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Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

The best vitamin for a Jew is B1.

Under same management for over 5763 years.

Soul food served here.

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush; come to shul this Shabbos!

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

Come early for a good seat.

What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?

Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

To belittle is to be little.

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A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism : a non-prophet organization.

Photons have mass!?!... I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Adam said to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

Give me some of that old-time Religion! . . . HAIL ZEUS!

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, cause that's what He's getting tonight.

Did you know that Muslims face Mecca to pray; New York Reform Jews face the 'Stage Delicatessen' ; and Boston Priests face the Jury.

On the seventh day He said..." Let there be Danish ".

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From the Bible, Really!

A Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt". Her daughter asked "What happened to the flea?"

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During their silver anniversary, Esther reminded her husband Morris, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

Morris replied, "Yes, Esther, that was the happiest hour of my life."

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Hey, Abbott! 2004

[The following is a little long but funny…best read aloud with a friend, you be Abbott and have your friend be Costello]

Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century

ABBOTT answering the phone: This is the Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.

But what program do I load?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in "office" is "office."

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows"?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business.. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three, and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?


COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?


COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?


COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind. *click*

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well…

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Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.


from the February 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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