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Morris the Waiter, Died

Six months after Morris the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

"Morris !" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"

A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."

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A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a Northern University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK!

"I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

"And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship - feasting on God's Holy Word and praising the Lord."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, vey! You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers!

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Wish You Were Here

Benny the psychiatrist got a postcard one morning from one of his patients.

It read, "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here so you could tell me why."

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FYI

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

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Raedign

The phaomnneel pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod apaper, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer bein the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

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The Empty House

A Physicist, a Mathematician and a Biologist are sitting in a cafe. They are looking out the window at a derelict house across the street. After a few minutes two people walk into the house. A few minutes pass, then they see three people leave the house.

The Biologist says that the people must have reproduced.

The Physicist says that the original measurement must have contained an inaccuracy.

The Mathematician says that now, if one more person enters the house it will be empty again.

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The Worst Day

There's a little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and arrived late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged, and he fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.

I got a cab to return home, but after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife had run away with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. Even when I decided to put an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..!"

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Rx...Drug Press Release

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

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New Rules Of The Jmag Office

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially, or stealing....and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Death In The Family:

One death is permitted per year.

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Close One

We just lacked your joke to put in this space. How's 'bout sending us one? Come on, if you've read 'till here, you must know some good jokes. Share your jokes with our readers.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

~~~~~~~

from the February 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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