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Absence Makes the Heart

Little Morris stared at his test paper. The big red "F" stared back at him.

Sammy looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Morris answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Morris replied, "No, but Shirley who usually sits next to me was."

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In the Snooty Hotel

Going to the front desk of New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Morris Mendelbaum requested some stationery.

The snooty clerk asked, "Are you a guest at this hotel sir ?"

Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest !?.....I am paying $390 a day!"

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Caught Red Handed

Morris a career shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a very expensive watch from an exclusive jewelry store on Fifth Avenue in New York. "Listen," said Morris, the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. Morris looked at the price on the sales slip and said, "Hey this is a more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something a little less expensive?"

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Admitting the Truth

A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Shalom Retirement Home.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be dirty and disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after you eat it?"

In the front row, 75-year-old Morris stands up and says, "Vedding cake"

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Makes no Cents

My neighbour`s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle. He was rushed to the hospital.

The next day I asked my neighbour how his son was doing, and he replied, "No change yet".

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Jewish Nuts

I was very lonely when I was a child. I only had two imaginary friends.

And they would only play with each other.

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The End is Near

A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in six days the waters will wipe out the world.

The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.

The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too late to accept JC," he says.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach: "We have six days to learn how to live under water."

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Sometimes They Are Correct!

I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.

I asked, "How much is a ticket?"

They said, "Seven dollars."

I asked, "How much for children?"

They said, "Same price, Seven dollars."

I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."

They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."

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One From Down South

There were two southern girls sitting on the porch. The first girl turns to the second in a rich, southern accent and says, "Look at this house. My Daddy got it for me."

The second replies, "Well isn't that nice."

The first turns to the second again and says, "You see that Porsche over there. My Daddy got it for me."

The second girl replies, "Well isn't that nice."

Again the first turns to the second and says, "You see those horses over there. My Daddy got those for me too!"

Once again, the second replies "Well isn't that nice."

"Well" say the first gal, "What ever did your Daddy get for you?"

The second gal replies, "Well, my Daddy sent me off to finishing school."

"Finishing school? What ever did you get by going to finishing school?" the first girl asks.

The second replies, "I learned to say, 'Well isn't that nice' instead of Bullsh--!"

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Caution on this one, Please

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office."What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

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Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)


from the May 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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