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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!


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Time Management

The synagogue wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in "Time Management". Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Rabbi. "What time does the course start, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi replied, "Oh...about five or six.

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Back to Basics

Morris was assigned a new post teaching English to prison inmates. Not knowing the level of education the prisoners had, he decided to begin his first class by asking a basic question:

"Okay, who can tell me what a sentence is?"

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Sound Medical Advice

A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Pay in advance."

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It Always Comes Back

A rabbi was making his rounds to his congregational members on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower."How much do you want for the mower?" asked the rabbi.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the rabbi asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The rabbi took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The rabbi called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The rabbi said, I'm a rabbi, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been a rabbi that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

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The Rare Gift

Overheard: “My husband is man of rare gifts.”

"He hasn’t given me a present in twenty-five years of marriage…”

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In the Doctor's Office

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?

Patient: No, just spots.

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Who's On First?

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

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Law and Punishment

Q: Under law, what is the penalty for bigamy?

A: Two mothers-in-law.

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Dog Eat Dog

A girl was visiting a moron who had acquired two new dogs, and asked what their names were. The moron responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend! said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the moron. "They're watch dogs!"

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Jew Hikew

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.

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Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)


from the July 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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