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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!


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On the Lowest East Side

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup.

"Please sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare seventy three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?"

The man asked, "Where do you get coffee and pie for seventy three cents in New York? It cost a minimum of a dollar!"

The beggar replied, "So who buys retail?"

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Getting it Down to the Basics

Little Morris, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you Jewish?"

"Yes" she replied.

"Do you know the Ten Commandments?"

She nodded her head, "Yes".

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes".

"Do you keep Kosher?" Morris asked.

"I do" said the elderly lady.

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while I go swimming?"

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From the Mouth of Babes

My four year old daughter spent a long time drawing a picture and then she came to me and begged me to put it into the computer and print it out for her. She watched me put it into the scanner, scan it and print it out. As she was leaving with the print-out I told her "wait, take back your picture", and I pulled it out of the scanner.

She looked at me in surprise and exclaimed "Hey, I thought you put it into the computer!".

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Love at Sight

A Rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The Rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions.

"Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Jewish woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the Rabbi.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the Rabbi asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.

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A Van Groaner

A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline Van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied…

[read this aloud]

“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

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Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons.

One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said, "My Morris has had so many potential interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."

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New Computer Virus Warning


If you receive an e-mail entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.


It will drink ALL your beer.


It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It! will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.


And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds, you'll pass gas so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this message to everyone!

By the way, if you are a Moron, this is a JOKE.

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For All the Young Rabbis

A young Rabbi was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small rural cemetery for a Jewish person with no family or friends The Rabbi started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young Rabbi went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Assuming that everyone had left and taking out his prayer book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he gave an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond with great praise.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

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Stay Just a Little Bit Longer

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and repeated emphatically, "Now you stay.

Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am Chinese, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put the car in park?"

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The Missing Joker

This was supposed to have the funniest joke that you know. Why did you not send it to us. You read these jokes and enjoy them, so please send us your best funnies and we can put them here for others to enjoy. What you think, we invent jokes? I can hardly write English!

So we are certain now that you will click on the link and send it out!

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Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.


from the August 2004 Edition of the Jewish Magazine




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