Jewish Humor and Joke Page


         


 
 
 
 

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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

High Holiday Services

On Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Adam was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Adam."

"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi Resnick, what is this?" Adam asked.

"Well, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur service?"

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In the Army of God on the Holidays

A friend was in front of me coming out of the Synagogue one day, and as always the Rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of G-d!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi."

Rabbi questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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Food for the Fast

Rabbi to parishioner: "Yes I understand that McDonalds calls it "fast food"...but you STILL can't eat it on Yom Kippur!"

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Now I Understand

Melvin appeared before Heavenly Court at the pearly gates. "What have you done to merit entering heaven? We do not see in our books anything special" they asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

The angels were impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"

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Jewish Father, Jewish Mother

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"I am going to give this prize to who ever is the best boy in the house." he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

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At the Vet's

The veterinarian told Melvin that his dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the moron said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," he replied, "He can't throw."

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Chinese Food

There was a study done by the Harvard School of Psychology on why Jewish women like Chinese food. After many years and focus groups, the study concluded that Jewish women like Chinese food because wonton spelled backwards is Not Now.

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Hmmm?

Mrs. Siegal went into Bergdorf-Goodman's,called over a salesman, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

"So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

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Deep in the Heart of Texas

At the turn of the 20th century, Moishe, a religious jew is traveling by train from Galveston, Texas to Dallas, Texas. Somewhere in between the two cities, in the middle of the great Texas waste land, the train stops and a big Texan sporting two huge six guns gets on the train.

He continues with his menacing search until finally he comes across Moishe. The Texan swaggers, menacingly and exclaims in his deep Texan drawl, "Hey, come here Jew boy!"

Moishe, who is shivering in his boots and saying the shma under his breath. When Moishe is finally able to speak he says, "yyyyes ssir I am a Jew. kkkkcan I help you?"

To which the Texan replies, "git kim arois mir darft a minyan."

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Answering Machine at the Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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For All the Florida Seniors

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....

Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

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Stay! Stay!

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked looking backward, pointing my finger at the car, and repeated emphatically, "Now you stay.

Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am an Orthodox Jew, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

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Should Have Figured that Out!

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

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