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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Prayers Before Eating?

The Religious School Teacher asks, "Now, Sammy, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Sammy replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

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The Diagnosis

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

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Ahhhhh, Aging

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Two things happen when a person gets old,
First he begins to forget things, and
the second one is, uhh, hmmm, I cant remember just now...

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

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The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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God is Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Jewish school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The Rabbi made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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From the Mouths of ...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

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Hair Changing Events

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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In Therapy

A guy goes to his therapist, he says I had the most horrifying dream last night: I dreamt that you were my mother. We got on flying saucer and flew to Mount Rushmore that turned out to be a volcano erupting with streams of chocolate. I grew horns and you turned into a butterfly that landed on my Dad and he blew into a million pieces and I woke up shaking. It was so real I couldn't go back to sleep for hours. Then I woke up, had a cup of coffee and I came right over. So what do you think of that?

And the therapist says A cup of coffee?! That's breakfast?

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The Jewish Version

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."

The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."

The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

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In the Health Food World

Did ya hear about the health food freak who died of all natural causes?

He got tofu poisoning at a health food restaurant.

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