Jewish Humor


   
    May, 1998          
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Jewish Humor

Jokes and Humorous Stories

Humor Page Contents:

  1. Peace on Board
  2. Getting Help
  3. Funny but True
  4. The InterReligious Golf Dual
  5. Passover Leftovers

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Peace On Board!!

An Israeli was flying on a short flight from Washington D.C. to New York. He boarded the airplane and found a cozy seat in a row that had three seats. One seat was near the window, one seat was adjacent to the aisle, and the third seat, which was the one he chose was in the middle. He sat down, slipped off his shoes and relaxed. Shortly an Arab came down the aisle and asked the Israeli if he would mind if he sat next to the window.

"Please, no problem, help yourself!" the Israeli said in a warm and friendly tone.

The Israeli excused himself and walked off in his stocking feet and soon reappeared with a cola.

Where did you get that?" the Arab inquired. "I thought that there is no service on these short flights."

"Got it just down the aisle. Would you like me to get you one, too?"

"Yes, thank you," was the Arab's reply.

When the Israeli returned with the second cola, another Arab approached them, "Pardon me, do you mind if I sit in this aisle seat?"

"Not at all, please feel comfortable." Was the cheery warm and friendly Israeli reply.

The Arab on the aisle saw them both drinking colas and asked, "Where did you get the colas, I thought that on these short flights, there are no refreshments."

The Israeli replied, "Would you like me to get you one?"

"Sure!" the delighted Arab answered.

So the Israeli got up and scampered down the aisle in his stocking feet to get a cola for the second Arab. The two Arabs looked at each other. They looked at the Israeli's shoes left lying on the floor. They each took one shoe, brought a enormous glob of spit into their mouths and spit into the Israeli's shoes. Then they put the shoes back down where they found them and waited for the Israeli to return.

Soon the Israeli returned with the cola for the second Arab. As he sat down in his seat, he heard the Captain request that all passengers sit down and fasten their seat belts and prepare to land. The Israeli complied, strapping himself in, he put his feet inside of his shoes and !!!! He realized what had been done to him!!! He cried out in agony:

"Gentlemen! How long do we have to do things to annoy one another! When can we begin to act like civilized people and treat each other with respect!! Can't we stop antagonizing each other. When will we stop spitting in shoes and urinating in colas!!!!

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Getting Help

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters. Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

The doctor said "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."

The priest replied "I would volunteer to go also, but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."

The lawyer said, "No problem." He immediately stripped off his shirt and dived into the shark infested water. There was a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.

"My G-d!", says the priest. "It is a miracle!"

The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

--------Mendel & Necha Golda Dubinsky

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Funny but True

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

----Bruce Brodersen

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The InterReligious Golf Dual

Shimon Peres, when Prime Minister of Israel, challenged the Pope to a golf match.

The Pope informs his Secretary of State that he never held a golf club in his hand. The Secretary says they could get a substitute but we would have to make him a Cardinal to qualify. They contacted Jack Nicklaus who agreed to their terms.

After the match, Cardinal Nicklaus told the Pope that he lost the golf match.

The Pope screamed, "You mean you let Shimon Peres beat you!"

"It wasn't Shimon Peres who beat me, it was Rabbi Palmer.

----Maxwell Kravitz

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Passover Leftovers

Last night I went to the Super-market to buy matzoh and saw something new. It was Bran Matzah..

On the box was written "Let My People Go."

----DAVID & BARBARA SCHOENFELD

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(Are you familiar with the story about Pygmalion, made into a movie called My Fair Lady, where Professor Higgins tries to teach Eliza to speak "proper English by repeating "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the Plain. Also the Yiddish word for Horseradish is Chraine.)

The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe's root crops. A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after Passover ended. The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the EU suppliers, they received the same reply: Sorry! No can do."

In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv - who happened to be the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the dispatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots by air-freight to Madrid.

It took the friend two days to organize, and two days before Passover, a crate of grade A tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the El-Al flight 789 to Madrid and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs, he was informed that an unforeseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the airport's Transport and General Workers Union, and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.

So you see, "the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane"

----Esther Cohen

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