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1. Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish.

Offer to make the fish yourself.

2. Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.

3. While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus...

4. ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP.

5. Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon.

6. On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.

7. Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it.

8. Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four.

9. Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there.

10. Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets.

11. Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean.

12. There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you.

13. Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl.

14. Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.

15. Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.

16. Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes.

17. On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones.

18. Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot.

19. Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's.

20. After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.

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DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

PENISCILLIN
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

SEXCEDRIN
More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

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Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs!"

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An elderly man in Miami called his son in New York and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hung up.

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone, "They are not getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She called her father immediately and screamed at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing; DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone, smiled, and turned to his wife... "Okay," he said, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

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Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to his head advisor.

After it was announced, the other advisors bjected. After all, "It was bad enough," they complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord it over them,' was just too much to bear."

Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.

As soon as the act was done the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible sin. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as weeks become months his mental depression took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the King and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."

The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again," he said.

The Jew felt so elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally he burst into the house and called out to his wife.

"Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."

His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"

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Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However,the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

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A man consults a therapist and states, "Doc, I'm suicidal. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Pay in advance."

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1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
"I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds."

4. The blues are not about limitless choice. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8.The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

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On Passover we
opened door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

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Izzy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, "Sadie, I have one last request."

"Of course, Izzy, what is it?" Sadie asked softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Louis."

"But I thought you hated Louis," Sadie said.

With his final breath, Izzy said, "I do."

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