Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            April/May 2012    
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The Last of the Big Time Spenders

A man and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy, the husband thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So they walked past the restaurant again.

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The Taxman Cometh

At the end of the tax year, the IRS Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these matzah purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzahs.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete schmuck'.

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A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "

Yes", the boy replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually"

"And if the lever was broken?"

"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle"

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

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Tips On How To Properly Place New Employees

STEP 1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

STEP 2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

STEP 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

STEP 4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

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Possibly Brilliant

It's the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers."

After a moment of quiet thought, Little Moishe asked: "How will that help?"

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Possible the Worst Thing that Could Happen

There is a fellow in a bar who is just looking at his drink but not drinking it. He stays like that for half an hour. Then this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find I lost my key. I can't get in because my wife isn't home. I leave, and come here. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

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Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

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Be Hep-Hep, Heppy!

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

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Two Jewish matrons, friends from the old country, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach. The first woman says, "Ven mine first child vas born, mine husband built for me this beautiful mension."

The second woman says, "Fentestic."

The first woman continues, "Ven mine second child vas born, mine husband bought for me dot fine Kadillek in de driveway."

Again, the second woman says, "Fentestic."

The first woman boasts, "Den, ven mine third child vas born, mine husband bought for me this exqvisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman comments, "Fentestic."

The first woman then asks her companion, "Vat did your husband buy for you ven you had your first child?"

The second woman replies, "Mine husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cries, "Oy Vey is mir! Vot for?"

The first woman responds, "So instead of saying "Who gives a crap!" I learned to say, "Fentestic!"

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Hot off the Press

A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.

A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the biker, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'I noticed a patch on your jacket,' said the journalist.

'Yeah, I ride with an Israeli bicycle club,' the biker replied.

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist with the local newspaper and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page.'

The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions. On the front page was the headline:


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One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

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from the April 2012 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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