Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            June 2012    
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Chicken Joke

During the days of communism in the Soviet Union, a commissar was visiting poultry farmers, inquiring about the feed they gave chickens.

The first farmer explained that he bought the finest Soviet wheat for his birds. The inspector exclaimed "What! Millions of people are starving in the Soviet Union. 10 years in the gulag for you!

The next farmer insisted that he used the finest Soviet corn for his chickens. The commissar spluttered "Your brethren are starving, yet you feed your chickens corn? 10 years in Siberia!

The Jewish farmer heard of both episodes and was prepared.

"What feed do you give chickens?" asked the commissar.

The Jewish farmer replied, "Listen, I give them 10 kopeks and tell them to buy their own food."

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Price of Gas in France

A Thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past Security, stole the Paintings, and made it safely to his Van...

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his Van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the Paintings."

"I had no Monet...

To buy Degas...

To make the Van Gogh."

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else...

I gave it to You because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!

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From the Advice Column

Dear Aunt Blabby: Should I have a baby after 35?

Aunt Blabby: No, 35 children is enough.

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Bar None

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

"Fifty cents in my pocket," the man answered.

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Points to Ponder

I know the speed of light, but what's the speed of dark?

Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

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Understanding Doctor Talk

Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."
Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."
Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.

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Universal Laws of Nature

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

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On Marriage and Love...

Beauty is fleeting, but dumb is forever.

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A Mathematician Asks: Can you write 4 in between 5?


Chinese man: Is this a joke?

Japanese man: Impossible!

American person: The question's all wrong!

British man: It's not found on the Internet

Jewish man: F(IV)E

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Treating the World's Worst Illness

Upon examining the patient, the Doctor tells him that he has P-L-E-G.

"What's that?" the patient asks.

"It's a combination of the Plague, Leprosy, Encephalitis and Gonorrhea."

The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds, "We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancakes." "Why only pancakes?" asks the patient.

The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."

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from the June 2012 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

Material and Opinions in all Jewish Magazine articles are the sole responsibility of the author; the Jewish Magazine accepts no liability for material used.