Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            July/August 2012    
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Fools Go Where Wise Men Fear to Tread

Rabbi Mendel was one day walking along a very narrow street, when he came face to face with a rival Rabbi.

The street was too narrow for the two to pass.

The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools."

Smiling, Rabbi Mendel stepped aside and said, . . ."I always do."

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At War with the IRS

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

Why don't you people leave me alone? the deli owner said. I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?

It's not your income that bothers us, the agent said. It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.

Oh, that? the owner said smiling. Well...we also deliver.

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On the Fringes

O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.

He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made "tallises" (talleism, the four cornered shawl with fringes that men wear during prayer).

Sure enough, they play 18 holes, go to the steam room and he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name. He replied, "My name is Goldberg."

"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"

He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."

"What do you manufacture?"

"I make tallises."

"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"

O'Brien said, "To tell the truth, I only make the sleeves."

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Oh, you noticed, too

On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

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Almost forgot this one

A man worried about his decline as he aged, went to see a therapist. "I'm really worried about myself," he said forlornly. "My memory has always been a source of quiet pride to me, but lately it's been failing me. I'm having a hard time remembering things from the mundane to the major."

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," said the therapist consolingly, "sounds like you'll forget all about it tomorrow."

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New Age Diet that Really Works

I read somewhere that a great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.

I guess it works because restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

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Half Fast Joke

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, "what's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry, honey. I ran out of money."

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Heaven Knows No Wrath Like a...

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

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Bad, bad, puns.

I don't enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

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Four Florida Retirees Visit a Bar......

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Florida. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from New Jersey," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Miami. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."

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from the July/August 2012 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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