Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            August - September 2012    
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One for the Holydays...

On the morning of Rosh Hashana as the congregation was filing into the sanctuary, Rabbi Feldman noticed little Max standing in the foyer of the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Boker tov, Max. '

'Boker tov, Rabbi Feldman,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. ' Rabbi Feldman, what is this?' he said, pointing to the plaque.

The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max's shoulder and said, ' Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the services. '

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Max , in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked:,

'Which service, Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur?'

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Grandpa's Approval

Schwartz and his grandson were watching the circus in Madison Square Garden. A violinist calmly climbed into the mouth of the cannon, instrument in hand. Suddenly there was a loud explosion, and the stunt man was hurled clear across the arena. While still in midair, he managed to fiddle a few notes.

As the crowd exploded in applause, Benjie turned to his unresponsive grandfather.

"Grandpa, Grandpa, wasn't that great? What did you think?"

After a moment, the old man said, "Not bad. But a Heifetz he ain't!"

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Forced Conversion

Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.

Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself.

"Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you believe, man?"

"Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking."

"Checking? Checking for what?"

Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: "Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"

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Celestial Bodies

Chaim was the kindest, gentlest, most generous and faithful man the shtetl had ever known, despite the fact that he wasn't very bright. Because of his tzedaka, however, his counsel was often sought.

One day the people asked him, "Which is more important -- the sun, or the moon?"

He thought for a moment, then replied, "The moon is more important than the sun."

"Why would you say that?" they asked.

"Because it shines at night when we need it the most."

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On the Ball

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

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If you believe in magic...

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have Ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl ..."

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Sideways up

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.

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Mother In Law Zone

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary daughters. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Shirley ," said Mrs. Blum with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Marilyn does for me," declared Mrs. Pollack proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Siegel sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Sherry does.....Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, rain or shine, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour ..... just to talk about me!"

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Strong Language Warning!

A crowded Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,**"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" **

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

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from the August - September 2012 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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