Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            February 2013    
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For Starters, Take my Grandmother

My Jewish grandmother practically invented multi-taking - she could worry about six things at once.

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At the Tomb of Israel's Unknown Soldier

The tourist was invited to visit the tomb of Israel's unknown soldier and was shocked when taken there-----he could NOT believe his eyes. There in big letters was inscribed, "Here lies Hyman Goldfarb, Furrier."

The tourist inquired of his guide, "How can this be the tomb of the unknown soldier with the name upon it?"

"As a soldier", he was assured, "he was unknown, but as a furrier, he was famous."

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Subject: Why G-d never got a Ph.d.

1. He has only one major publication.

2. It was published only in Hebrew.

3. It has no references and no bibliography.

4. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

5. His office hours were sporadic and often held on mountaintops.

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Rabbi's Help

An elderly Rabbi is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys' efforts for some time, the Rabbi moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the Rabbi smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what will we do, my little friend?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run like hell!"

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Vell If Dis Ain't funnyah...

Moish was applying for U.S. citizenship. In those days, knowledge of the English language was a prerequisite.

He was before the Immigration & Naturalization examiner. The examiner challenges him: make a sentence with the word "cultivate".

Moish thinks for a moment and then says: "Last vinter, ve vere vaiting for a bus but took a cab, because it vas too cultivate."

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Three men walked in to a bar.

You think one of them would have seen it!

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Let There Be Light.

Q: How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: First call a committee meeting, then perhaps we can make a meaningful decision.

Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends.
* One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity from nuclear power.
* Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
* Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb."
* Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psyho- halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: How many Shlomo Carlebach hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real loose, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four.
One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does,
one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does,
one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does,
and one eventually to change the bulb.

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

Q. How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it is still burning bright.

Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant vee should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four. One to screw it in, one to complain that it's being screwed in the wrong way, one to complain about the cost of the light bulbs these days, and one to feel guilty that the old one burned out.

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To Save One Life...

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.

"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

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You Half to Know Retired People from Florida...

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."

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No Speakah de English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi"

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from the April 2013 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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