Jewish Humor and Joke Page



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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Keeping The Ten Commandments

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

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Middle Age Attitude

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.

If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.

Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

Take my advice, I'm not using it!

You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!

I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so much it caught my underwear on fire!

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Jewish Origin of High Tech

Q. What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the Computer Age:
A. Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print copy called?
A. Mega Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash

Q How are they now distributed?
A. As freeware: the five disks of Moses.

Q. What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge that help reconcile revelation at Sinai with the computer age?
A. "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam.

Q. Why do we blow the shofar on the day of remembrance?
A. To recall the original ram memory.

Q Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A. Every keyboard has a scroll key.

Q. Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A. Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...

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Breaking Up is Hard To Do

Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, "I've broken off my engagement to Morris."

"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I'm so sorry. Why?"

"Because my feelings towards Morris have changed - they just aren't the same anymore," replies Sharon.

"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you giving him back the engagement ring?"

"No I'm not," replies Sharon, "my feelings towards the ring haven't changed."

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A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy Revealed

Ask any man and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish woman's version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is working in his medical office.

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In Heaven

A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. The chief Angel meets them at the gate to heaven.

The Catholic woman says," I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven.

The chief Angel tells her to go to the left.

The Protestant woman says," I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday."

The chief Angel tells her to step to the left.

The Jewish woman tells the chief Angel," I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family."

The chief Angel tells her to step to the right.

She immediately asks him, " Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"

The chief Angel replies, "Don't you want to go to the beauty salon first?

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In the Sin-a-gogue

As David and his wife Esther are coming out of the synagogue one Shabbat, she says to him, "That Rothstein girl has put on a lot of weight, dear. Maybe she's pregnant. What do you think?"

"The Rothstein girl? If she was there, I didn't see her," replies David.

"And did you see that flirty Sharon Goldberg winking at the boys? Disgraceful, don't you think, dear?"

"I must have been looking the other way when this happened," he replies.

"And what do you think about the short dress Rose Levy was wearing? That can't be the right thing for a mother of three children to wear in the synagogue. Don't you agree, dear?" asks Esther.

"Sorry darling," replies David, "but I didn't notice her dress."

"Well then, you must have seen Molly Greenberg drinking all those glasses of wine during Kiddush," she says.

"I wasn't watching Molly," says David.

"Oh for goodness sake," shouts Esther, "I don't know why you bother to go to the synagogue."

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Biblical Quiz (it helps if you are under the age of 7)

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

A. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Q. Samson-he brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.

Q. Which servant of G-d was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: How do we know that they did not play cards in the ark?
A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

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Miracles Don't Happen Every Day

Morris was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting at the synagogue and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, G-d take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to the synagogue every day for the rest of me life and give up sneaking non kosher food.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Morris looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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