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    April Passover 2006 Edition            
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It's the Truth!

A couple was sitting in the living room when he turned and said, “I want you to know that I never want to live a vegetative state, dependant on some machine. If that even happens, I want you to pull the plug.”

So the woman got up and unplugged the TV.

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Throwing a Monkey Wrench on English

There are some English words that when said by someone with a Yiddish accent, take on a whole new meaning.

For example, if you would have asked my dad what the word wrench meant, he would have said something like the following: A wrench is where the cowboys live.

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Keep the Faith, Refigerate It!

A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American (aka: America Indian) woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to marry a nice Jewish girl.

When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.

After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air.

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."

That's great, Mom, " replies the son.

And what, " asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"

The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish."

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The Jewish Mind

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. He said he was my new neighbor across the street and he introduced himself as Sammy Goldfarb. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked my newest neighbor.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, Sammy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

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Mind Transfer

A Jewish woman goes to see the rabbi; she complains at length about her heavy headaches.

She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions, her lousy husband, her inconsiderate children, her lack of available money, her health problems, and what not, for hours. All of a sudden, she shouts, overjoyed:

"Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"

To which the rabbi replies: "No madam, It is not gone. I have it now."

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Has That Changed Too?

After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But-- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks.

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?", asks mama.

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

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New Jewish Reality Shows "TV for your inner Jew,"

"Joe Minyanaire." A good-looking young man goes to an Orthodox singles event and tells girls he meets there that he davens every day. Watch their reaction when they find out that he hasn't been inside a shul since his bar mitzvah in 1986 and spends every morning and afternoon at Starbucks!

"American Sheitel." Viewers vote for the woman wearing the best-looking head-covering.

"Schmeer Factor." Contestants vie to see who is the bravest by trying new bagel-and-cream-cheese combinations, such as shiitake mushroom bagels with lemon-sunchoke cream cheese or tortellini bagels with cilantro-pesto cream cheese. Filmed entirely in Lincoln Park and Lakeview.

"Don't Meet My Folks." Three Jewish men take their girlfriends home to meet their parents. But watch out - one of the girlfriends is a shiksa! Parents try to guess which son is in an interfaith dating situation so they can throw him out of the house and threaten to sit Shiva for him.

"Jewish Survivor." Participants attend a round of Jewish organizational fundraising dinners. Each week, one person is voted off for falling asleep during the guest speaker, complaining about the chicken being overcooked, eating three extra desserts, changing seats so he/she doesn't have to sit with Mr./Mrs. Schwartz, snapping his/her fingers at the rabbi, who looks just like one of the waiters, etc. The final "Survivor" wins $1 thousand - to be donated to his or her favorite Jewish charity!

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Israel vrs Florida

Israel is the land of milk and honey;

Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

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For the Drink Impaired

A fellow walks into a bar and says to the bartender : "I want a 12 years old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch.

The man takes a sip, scowls and says : "Hey - Bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. - I told you that I wanted a 12 years old."

The bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch.

The man takes a sip, grimaces and says : "Bartender, I do not want 8 years old scotch like this filth. Gi'me a 12-years old scotch or I'll leave !"

Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs, " Ah, now that's the real thing. "

A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says. : "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."...

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like urine!"

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "dat's right, now tell me, how old am I ?"

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Points to Ponder:

Life is like a roll of toilet paper... the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

There are two signs of senility: First is forgetfulness... and...ummm… I can't remember the other one...

They asked me if I had a problem being ignorant and apathetic. I told them, "I don't know and I don't care!"

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from the April Passover 2006 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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