Jewish Humor and Joke Page



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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!


A fellow walks into a bar and says to the bartender : "I want a 12 years old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch.

The man takes a sip, scowls and says : "Hey - Bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. - I told you that I wanted a 12 years old."

The bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch.

The man takes a sip, grimaces and says : "Bartender, I do not want 8 years old scotch like this filth. Gi'me a 12-years old scotch or ill leave !"

Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."

A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says: "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."...

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like urine!"

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "dat's right, now tell me, how old am I?"

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Quipable Thoughts

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

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Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

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For the Gals...

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

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Another Like This and I'll....

Why did the moron resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

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Oldies, But Mouldies...

An Israeli , a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Israeli was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Israeli replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Israeli smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

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Cross My Heart....

An elderly gentleman is struck by a speeding car as he is crossing the street. As he is lying there, a crowd begins to gather. As he begins to get to his feet, a man comes out of the crowd.

"Ginsburg, I'm glad to see you were not badly hurt, but, tell me I did not know you converted to Christianity."

"What makes you think that? asked Ginsburg.

" When you stood up you crossed yourself."

"That was no signn of the cross I made." I felt to see if my toupe was still on. If my fly was still zipped. If my glasses were in my left jacket pocket and my cigars were in the right."

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I Can Heard That...

Sam goes to his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need tomorrow off. My wife is going to have a baby.” The boss gives him the day off.

Two days later Sam walks into work, and the boss asks, “Was it a boy or a girl?”

Sam says, “We won’t know for nine months.”

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Keeping the Kool

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."

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Plods to Plonder

How many psychiatrists does it take to replace a light bulb?

One, but it takes 20 visits.

"How does it change many dyslexics to take a

(now go back and read the above sentence word for word and tell me problems you ain't got!)

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