Jewish Humor and Joke Page


         


 
 
 
 

Search our Archives:

Home
History
Holidays
Humor
Places
Thought
Opinion & Society
Writings
Customs
Misc.
Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

And God created Israel...

On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life.

God continued: I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth.

But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous to these Israelis.

Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

Hmmmm...

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

Sign on Synagogue Bulletin Board

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

Guide to a Happier Life

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

When things are going easy, it a sign that you are going down hill.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

10-inches Deep and Drowning!

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to G-d.

"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! G-d is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.

"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what G-d is able to do? I just read that G-d opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "G-d is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10-inches of water!"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

Big Mouth

An elderly Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that roast beef," he said.

"That's not roast beef," the clerk said, "it's ham."

"Sonny," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

3 X 2 = 7

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."

"Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

How Come You Gat Dat Black Eye?

My wife said, "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."

And I said, "Oh? And which is this?

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

Gatcher Answer?

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes", he replied reluctantly. She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

On Watch

A girl was visiting her friend Morris, who had acquired two new dogs.

She asked, "What are their names?"

Morris replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helllooo?" said Morris. "They're watch dogs..."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!!* * * * *

 

 

 

Please let us know if you see something unsavory on the Google Ads and we will have them removed. Email us with the offensive URL (www.something.com)

 


HOME
PAGE
 | 
ABOUT
US
 | 
MAKE
DONATION
 | 
SUBMIT
ARTICLE
 | 
CONTACT
US
 | 
FREE
SUBSCRIPTION
 | 
SEARCH
ARCHIVES